I'm back on bloody Facebook, I got fed up with it a few months ago and deactivated but the bug's got me again. I'm turning down requests to throw sheep and plant flowers in people's gardens, I can't be having with that. Infact, I wish they'd invent a Facebook Lite for people like me who just want to 'wash and go' The Wife still views it with disdain and she's right to.
One thing I view with disdain is Eastenders. The language is terrible, last night I heard said "she's a cow", "bloody door" and a woman was slapped in the face. This was all before 8.30pm. I ask you. The BBC is sailing on a sea of filth and should hang its head in shame. I thank the lord that I was never exposed to the programme as a child, what sort of adults will be produced if they're allowed to watch it before bedtime? The channel should be renamed ASBO 1 not BBC 1!

To Diane and Mick's on Saturday night for an amazing meal with John, Teresa, Joe and Lisa. I don't know if you are aware but there is a slight age difference between the Wife and I, not a huge one, nothing disturbing, anyway, as a consequence I was the youngest one at the table but my word you wouldn't have known it. They don't half know how to knock it back, I'm a bit of a party animal myself but I'm a mere hamster compared to them. We didn't get home until 3! If it wasn't for the clocks going back it would have been later!
We had a fantastic time and both the wife and I were very moved with the trouble they had gone to....I'm welling up now....

Chunky Munky

The Wife and I are to join the gym. As my ship of life sails toward the end of summer I can already smell the autumn leaves and feel my ever increasing waistline, so there's nothing for it but the rowing machine.
I've been looking at middle aged women recently to see how some have let themselves go, it's an easy bank to fall down and a hard one to scramble back from. I fear the bingo wing, I want a flat pack stomach, tennis elbow and athletes foot!
We're off to sign on the dotted line tonight and then get induced, it's an expensive old business, not only have we to pay for membership there's the clothing to buy, I need a sports bra, swimming costume, trainers and P.E Knickers - I'll be up all night sewing my name into them all!

Took the bus this morning to work, the driver was eastern european which seems to be the norm these days only this one looked and sounded just like Count Von Count from Sesame Street, it was a little sinister.
Being driven around town by a Vampire during daylight hours is so so but I should imagine for those travelling on the night bus it must be a little disarming, especially when those doors hiss shut.
Oh well I got from A to B without fuss so, as the Chinese have cornered the fish and chip market, the Transylvanians can have the buses.

Forever England

The Wife and I are home now but God knows how. Our brief sojourn in Paris was marred by striking communist Metro drivers which threw a veritable spanner in the works. You can see why they didn't get the Olympics.
Getting to the airport on Friday - a journey which should have taken at the most sixty minutes - took us four hours. They were laying on a bus service to Charles De Gaulle airport from the centre of the city which as you can imagine was heavily subscribed. Numerous nationalities queued around the block and my God the stereotypes came through. As Noel Coward once said "Why do the wrong people travel, travel, travel and the right people stay at home?" Why is it so hard for foreigners to grasp the concept that a queue has a beginning at one end and an ending at the other? We eventually got on and stood up front with the driver. To be honest it all had a sense of evacuation about it and one couldn't help feeling a bit World War 2, One doesn't want to spell it out but it did all have a smack of Anne Frank about it.

This is the Mrs and I post civil partnership ceremony feeling rather pleased with ourselves! We were both very overwhelmed by the whole occasion and the Mrs got quite choked up during the ceremony - and who wouldn't at the prospect of marrying me! - but I too was rather moved and felt my bottom lip quiver which was a sensation that I hadn't felt since my favourite racing pigeon failed to return from Newport Pagnell.
Mr Drew and Mr Clive were sensational best men who pulled out all the stops for us. When we arrived at the registry office we found them car boot up dispensing gin and tonics which were very welcome indeed. I don't think I could have got through it without a slug of Bombay coursing through my system. They also took the official photos throughout the day and night which, after several bottles of champagne, will possibly require a delicate airbrush. They are auctioning them off to the highest bidder which is why we have just got this one at the moment. You'll have to wait until the next edition of Okey Dokey magazine or Woodturners Monthly depending how they get on.
We knocked it back all day and, when Mark and Tim joined us in the evening, we knocked it back all night and I was pleased as punch. I finished the night walking barefoot through Eton - how many girls can say that? Today my toes look like the Somme so I wont be mincing down the Champs-Élysées with a smile on my face tomorrow. I have in my head though some lovely memories which I shall treasure forever and enormous gratitude to Mr Clive, Mr Drew, Mark and Tim and ofcourse the Mrs for making yesterday so special.
Now it's off to Paris for a week with the French who we've just beaten at Rugby......wish me luck.

Getting married tomorrow, the Ladyfriend is going to make me an honest woman so no more porky pies and loose women, oooerr. We're going off to Paris for our honeymoon, I'm very excited, we're going to go on the Amelie tour and see places from the film. Apparently the Café des deux Moulins serves a creme brulee called "Amelie" I was thinking about this and wondering if the Ritz hotel have named a pudding after Lady Di - perhaps an apple turnover. Anyhow, as from tomorrow the "Ladyfriend" will become the "Mrs" all good willing and if the devil doesn't have his way!

Whoops. Invited a few friends for a candle-lit supper at my mother's house on Saturday night whilst we are looking after the place. How was I to know they'd put it on MySpace? I think we picked up the last empty bottle of beer at 9.45pm last night. Shocking behaviour for the middle aged, I saw things on saturday night that would have made my hair curl if I had not recently had it cut into a fashionable bob.
I am busy now trying to replace the broken furniture on ebay, mum gets back on Thursday, hope she's in a good mood.

The Ladyfriend and I have been house sitting whilst my mum suns herself in Cyprus, this is the third year that we have done it and I always enjoy riffling through her cupboards and using her lotions and potions, it does a girl good to get her dose of Sodium laureth sulfate from other sources once in a while.
It means that I use the car to get to work, I can not stand morning radio dj's (apart from Terry Wogan ofcourse who is wonderful) so I made myself a tape of Abba hits to play. Trouble is the tape player in the car is a bit odd and for some reason the background of a song comes to the fore, so instead of the crisp voices of Anna and Frida I get Bjorn and Benny singing "sup-pa-pa troup-pa-pa" I don't mind so much, I turn it up loud and sing like a banshee.
I'm not keen on the route to work though as I have a few roundabouts to traverse and a 12% hill to descend. The hill makes my ears go funny and leaves me a bit mutton for a few hours in the morning.

Is it just me or are you sick of Richard Hammond?

Disaster strikes with the wedding plans! The Ladyfriend and I went to pick up our rings on Saturday that we had ordered three weeks ago. The Ladyfriend's is great and I have had to hide it in a secret place to stop her from trying it on.
Mine however was a thing of horror. It was enormous! My fingers are short and stubby like that of a cockney piano player's and my size is 'R' so the ring which had looked nice Lina Zavaroni size looked like a bloody knuckle duster when sized up! I felt like a chav dragging that thing around so it's had to go back to the grindstone.

The new series of Kath and Kim has begun in Australia. I love it and the best news ever is that Sharon's sister visits from England in this Sunday's episode and she's being played by Matt Lucas (the funny one from Little Britain). It will be a long time till it comes to my telly so I shall be You Tubing in the hope that it might be on.
If you have never seen it then you're missing out as it's unyoooooooooosual. click here to see their website

The Ladyfriend and I have been lapping up Nigella Lawson's new series which knocks Jamie and Hugh into a cocked chef's hat. She's fab but filthy.
On Monday she wanted her chops "juicy, juicy, juicy" whiched raised a few eyebrows on our sofa. Her mushrooms were "bosky" and her rosemary was "Resiny" - what school did she go to for Christ's sake and in what century?
I want the DVD and book for Christmas.

Hang double glazing, hang a new kitchen, hang fitted carpets we're buying a boat. The Ladyfriend and I had the best time ever on the Thames on Saturday thanks to Diane and Mick. We were supping on large frothy coffees in one of those multinational coffee chainstores when we got the call. We were out of the door and at the dock before you could say 'shiver my timbers'. I now have a copy of 'boat mart magazine' which I shall thumb with my scotch and cigar tonight.

Our whole weekend has been Thames based in actual fact. We were guests of Mark and Tim on Saturday night in Chigwell. We had a marvellous candle lit supper and then Sunday seeing the sights (not Chigwell's although I'm sure there are some). We went to Columbia Road flower market and then on to Spittalfield's, all in the shadow of the gherkin. We then went for lunch at The Captain Kidd Pub in Wapping which was wonderful, it is slap bang on the river Thames with phenomenal views. We've been very lucky girls indeed.

I won buggerall, I matched two numbers and it wasn't number 24. The next time I see her I shall insert my club card in a dark place that she'll never reach.

Stay away from the light Carol Anne

Weird. Just been to Tesco and the girl on the till was a little bit 'odd'. She started to giggle and said "I heard that Nanna!" I looked around, there was no one there. Thinking she could 'see dead people' I had a slight shivver but carried on packing.
I came to pay and she shrieked "it's £24.24! You couldn't have done that if you tried, you should do the lottery and make sure there is a number 24 in it!"
I ran like a bastard to the lottery kiosk. I've got a ticket for tonights draw in my draws. I thought it was just thick poor people who do the lotto but from what I can tell you need a degree just to work out how to buy a ticket. I had to ask. There are three or four different slips of paper with whizzes and bangs all over them. It aint easy. Fingers crossed for tonight, eyes down and hopefully there will be two happy fat ladies!

The Ladyfriend and I were apoplectic when we saw the latest scheme to fuel teenage pregnancy. "Pregnant women to be offered £120 'good food' grants" Is it just me? Not only do they get housing, social security, child benefit and a one off £200 when the child is born (to go towards university - yeah right) they are now going to get £120 so they can eat properly.
How misguided. The only difference it will make will be the choice between Super Kings and Benson and Hedges. Unbelievable.
The streets will be full of thirteen year old girls with distended bellies listening to shiny new iPods.
The best thing the government could do would be to use this obviously spare money and give it to the police because it will be them who will have to deal with all the little bastards.

Please sir, can I have some more

I absolutely LOVE this. It's the Harvey Nic's Foodmarket awards You Tube movie and it's brilliant. It's bang on the nail illustrating how the contents of the dinner plate has morphed into a lifestyle statement.
Did you see Nigella's new cookery show on Monday? She's a dirty old bird but the Ladyfriend and I love her. She did this thing with squid using a product called 'old bay seasoning' I googled it, it's now sold out, it's now selling on ebay.
You can bet your life it will sit in the cupboards of the lucky few who got their hands on it unopened for years.
I borrowed a pasta making machine from my handsome brother a few months ago, I've bought the correct flour, I've got the recipe, do you think I've made any? nah.

Kate Bush this morning - on the way to work - and I was so chilled out I felt like a mini milk, that was until I saw the graffiti. Beneath the motorway flyover some idiot called "Bong" had plastered his/her name all over the concrete. It looked rather comical in a way with "Bong, bong, bong" like something out of winnie the pooh, only it wasn't, it was a destructive youth who quite possibly is also responsible for smashing the glass at the bus stop. Too many bad apples rotting the barrel.
I've always had a lifelong dislike of the young, I try to not to make eye contact, I never entertain the idea of conversation with anyone between the ages of 8 to 18.
I don't like 12 year old girls in make-up or 12 year old boys spitting. Oooh it makes me shudder. So my walk to work this morning was marred by the thought of it being marched upon last night by spray paint wielding teenagers. It had an atmosphere of loss like a field of battle. Not nice.

I'm off the sauce again. Lola's packed it on. I walked to work this morning listening to an mp3 player looking like an obese Ipod advert, thighs chaffing together to the music.
It's six weeks to go before my 'big day' and at this rate it's going to be a big fat gay wedding. I might have to suggest the wide angle lens.
I made a stew last night (surprisingly low in fat) but left it in the oven and forgot about it, I could have burned the house down. I became ingrossed in a thought provoking documentary on BBC4 (it happens) and my stew set like a cake after 5 hours on medium. Now I'm going to have to pour a bottle of valpolicella in just to loosen it all up.