All alone in bedsit land my only home

Apparently I am rehab Mark

Which Marc are you?

Bin end

Ooh, the ladyfriend opened a bottle of red last night and now I feel rather oak aged, thick and full bodied. It was lovely at the time however, I shall just have to hit the auto pilot button to get myself through the day. I shall not be executing any tricky maneuvers that's for sure.

Just been reminded to watch Bad Girls tonight our two favourite characters are back in it properly - thanks to Michelle Robertson for that. This series has lasted a long time.....or is it me?

Found out last night that the Ladyfriend was a premature baby which accounts for her short attention span and her propensity for sleeping in incubators.

Sometimes I'd feel more fulfilled making Christmas cards with the mentally ill

I read in this morning's paper that the BBC are toying with the idea of shunting Top of the Pops off onto one of those digital channels because viewing figures are low. Surely all they have to do is move it into Children's Hour where it would receive the correct audience. I have not watched TOTP (as it's called these days) for a long time, I wouldn't know what number one is to save my life. Last time I did watch the programme it was nothing more than a parade of precocious children presented by a screaming girl dressed as a hooker.

No, it's not like it used to be back in the days of my yoof. Thursday night was the highlight of the week. My mother and I danced around the drawing room to the latest sounds from Bowie, Kool and the Gang, Stevie Wonder and that man who killed himself. Happy Days, happy days indeed.

Shortcrust, filo or puff

Wonderful site this morning, got out of the car and there on a prickly bush were big, plump blackberries positively pregnant with flavour - Autumn my lovelies is a foot. I can feel it's breath on the air, it's birth on the wind. I have had it with this al fresco dining and the never ending articles about cellulite. I spy a chunky jumper, beach combing in wellies - hurrah!

Hairdresser on fire

This is just a test, you must ignore it and think only of other things.

Just been to the Mayor's parlour - get me - where he unveiled his new website. I had a sherry and talked to a very nice man, didn't understand a word he said. I stood there chomping a slice of celebratory sponge cake looking at the mayor who certainly has Marty Feldman eyes.

This week is going to be a nice week, I have decided, I am going to inject it with vim and vigour, always good to start it off on a good foot, good karma. I have Ushma to thank for installing a little bit of her eastern culture in me, she has written my name in Gudgerati on my arm in Bic Biro (think David Beckham) I look a right bobby dazzler.

Just got home from another wonderful weekend down in Eastbourne. On Saturday we went down to the beach where the local pagan society were holding their Lammas day festival Click here for pictures where we had a very nice time and two pints of lager.

testing testing testing

I've been buggering about with the website again, I have the attention span of a goldfish these days. Normal service will resume shortly.

The sky is beginning to bruise, I think it's going to lash down, it won't spoil my day though because Eastbourne sits at the end of it. The Ladyfriend and I are leaving earlier tonight, hopefully to get there for Bad Girls as Stephanie Beacham and Amanda Barrie are back in it! Two women the Ladyfriend and I aspire to.

This weekend in Eastbourne there is a big pagan festival on the seafront and a skateboarding extravaganza! I intend to take my camera, Morris Dancers on wheels. How exciting. I am going to stay at arms length from the unbelievers - I've seen the wicker man.

Got my hopes dashed last night, I thought we were going to see a video of the last episode of Cutting it but instead it was an older episode so I still don't know who won North West Salon of the Year. I could go on the Cutting it website but I am still hoping my mother will have the right tape somewhere and she hasn't taped over it with "Cash in the attic".

The ladyfriend and I are in a quandry over tiles for our kitchen, we have seen some we like but we are a bit worried it may end up looking like the gentlemens lavvies at Charing Cross train station - you have to be so careful. The faint wiff of piss floats on the Eastbourne air already - what with the ageing population - we don't want to bring it into the home.

We are on a tight budget at the moment (home buying is a green light to people wanting money off me) so we are actually starting to eat food that is in the freezer! Instead of bringing home delicacies from the delis we are starting to chip into my stockpile for the nuclear winter. I must get inventive with the barlotti beans or it's the bancruptcy courts for the pair of us.

The ladyfriend and I got rather tight on white wine last night. The first bottle was gorgeous which prompted us to open another and the rest as they say is history. Thank God we were inebriated, it certainly made watching Ruby Wax and Liza with a 'Z' enthralling entertainment. How that poor woman has suffered at the hands of a surgeon (Liza) her eyes are so far apart she looks like a blowfish. She's certainly her mother's daughter. What a voice though, once she's gone there's no one to replace her. Poor OLD Petula Clark, my goodness, she looked like Rod Stewart and that's on a good day.

We managed to crawl across the floor and bung a video in so we have the horror of it all captured for posterity.

Had a lovely weekend down in 1066 country - the ladyfriend and I took a trip out in the motor and headed off Hastings bound. Enroute we dipped our toe in Pevensey Bay and Bexhill very nice. On arriving in Hastings things started to fall apart, I can only best describe it as Calais, bit rough and industrial on the edges. When we got into the old town it was quite a different story and one with a happy ending as there were rambling cobbled streets with antique and bric-a-brac shops galore! I was itching to buy many items of Victoriana but the ladyfriend and my ailing bank balance stopped me.

I think Hastings will be an absolute treat to visit when the holiday makers go back to their tenaments. Oooh they were rough - rings through the noses, tattoos of naked ladies, colourful language replica sportswear and big patches of sunburn (as my mother says - they just don't catch the sun the same way we do)
I kept my hand on my h'appeny at all times in Hastings!

Just finished mowing the grass - I know! It's only ten to twelve! The ladyfriend has gone through the house with a vacuum cleaner in one hand and a duster in the other, we are unstoppable and have managed to lick the whole house in one morning. I got carried away with the grass cutting and have even shaved my legs - it's so addictive!

The rest of the weekend is ours. Tonight we are off to Mr C & Mr D's to rendezvous with a medieval swordsmith and tomorrow we are hitting the road to the coast.

One downside to today is the schools have broken up so there will be no let up of screaming from next door and burglaries will be on the increase.

I know yesterday I was yarping on about how people involved in scandal become celebrities but I must eat my words as I desire that the family of Toby Studabaker are signed up immediately. Just look at them Both Leo and Sherry are made for stardom.

I pray to the god of daytime tv that some quick thinking producer snaps them up before you can say 'Shania Twain'. I can't wait to see the Hello photoshoot after they are saturated in lolly and fall into the hands of Bobby Trendy Wonderful. We need more white trash now the Beckhams are heading off to the Med.

Tonight I can be found with the mother in law in Ikea chomping on meatballs.

Morality: This morning the ladyfriend and I were discussing the subject of morality and society - this prompted by the imminent return of Angus Deayton to British Television. We were both in agreement that scandal aint what it used to be. Why, only a few years ago it was 'off wiv her head' for Carol Vorderman after she was seen advertising detergent. Her BBC contract was torn up and it was bye bye for the mathematical genius, not so for Angus. Atleast the powder Carol was pushing was clean!

We were also pondering on scandals in history that, were they to happen today, would they have the same outcome. Take the Profumo affair. As a result of a couple of call girls and a russian spy the government toppled and a man committed suicide. If it happened today Stephen Ward would probably have his own show on Channel 5 and Christine and Mandy Rice-Davies (surely a name for showbiz) would be atop of the hit parade (think the cheeky girls).

No, it's all quite wrong. Anyhow, thank god the sun has taken his hat off for the day, my word, it's been like a turkish bath at work - there aren't any fat men with moustaches wacking me with a towel but you get me drift.

Please feel free to use my exciting new message board, isn't it fabulous? You don't need to register and you can say whatever you like. Have a play with it, I can always delete the mucky stuff.......if I want to.

A lady (from Warrington - though living locally) in a flowery blouse (smart but casual) came round last night to do my Will. She was very good and it was very easy. It's brilliant how so much can be done in the home nowadays. It's certainly moved on from mops and brush salesmen at your door. An absolute boon for the agorophobic. You can live quite happily without ever having to leave your bed.........although I personally would not like to entertain an insurance salesman in my bed jacket.
I went for a basic will, nothing fancy, no complicated clauses - not yet anyway. I am now able to update and change things when and where I like which will keep the ladyfriend on her toes.
It was very interesting as when the will lady (who is incidentally rushed off her feet at the moment, she's had a rush on - it's her prices I told her, that and her flexibility) opened up her black (good colour under the circumstances) presentation folder, I noticed some photocopies of newspaper reports on Jill Dando. These were obviously in her folder to shock and convince me to buy her product, but I wonder which one? What horror stories did Jill Dando's bereaved relatives face? I would have thought Jill would have left her affairs in order, she always looked the type. One should not judge a book by it's cover I suppose, nor for that matter a television presenter.

Had a fab time at the coast this weekend, we bought a bed from Steve the camp bed seller. Self assembly. Mr Clive and Mr Drew came down and did numerous DIY jobs which have made our flat much better and inaccesible to undesirables. Had my first dip in the sea atlast. I have gone deaf in the left ear, I am expecting a winkle to pop out onto my desk this week after it has consumed half of my brain.
Met the neighbours atlast. Have you seen Rosemary's baby?

Had a dream last night that I was parading around in a wedding dress. Quite disturbing but I looked lovely. It's thursday again which means one thing - Eastbourne! Tra la la! Kitchen is being delivered tomorrow, how exciting, will the delivery man speak? Will he be a chirpy card after a cup of tea or will he be a grunter without a personality?
One thing's for sure it will be nice to have the front door open for a little while. Kitchen smells do tend to settle in the communal areas at our flat, the other residents tend to favour traditional english fare and the faint aroma of cabbage tends to pervade. The ladyfriend and I intend to place a discreet plug in somewhere.
Mr Clive and Mr Drew are arriving on Friday, our first house guests, we shall have them hard at it before they take their coats off. (kitchen unit assembly)

Girlfriend in a coma I know, I know it's serious.
What a hot day. I know it's going to be a struggle. I am sure I shall feel like one of those victorian ladies who are journeying to the centre of the earth with a mad scientist. By the end of the day my hair will be dishevelled, my white starched shirt frayed at the edges and I'll have a smudge of mud on my chops. Got time for an adventure? I am sure today like every other day I will encounter perculiar monsters .

Heard one of my favourite sounds this morning - a man hammering - it floated into my open window as I took a deep breath and zipped up my trousers. There is nothing I like more than the sound of toil on a sunny morning. It makes me feel like I live in a medieval village and someone is mending their thatch.

Hope this weather holds for the weekend, I intend to take the boat trip round to Beachy head.

To Mr Clive and Mr Drew's last night. Made quite a merry time of it. We drank and ate a hearty meal of meat and salad. I ate rather a lot but strangely now feel rather famished. My slice of toast this morning does not have seemed to have touched the sides. I am thinking this is because last nights tea was one of those Marmalade Aitkins meals where the abscence of carbohydrates has caused this vacuum. I have had to shove a banana down till the sandwhich lady turns up.

I am a little concerned as I have not seen the pheasant for a while, one of our neighbours is one of those yuppie types and I reckon he's hanging in his pantry (the pheasant) Oh how he must have suffered. Still nature is a cruel thing. We have attracted Doves to the garden now which is excellent, we have a huge sparrow family, two fat wood pigeons and a blackbird but what I really want to see is a couple of tits on the lawn of a morning, then I'll be happy.

Take two red peppers, a handful of parsley, two cloves of garlic, salt and black pepper add a splash of olive oil. Put the lot in a bender, pulse it up till it's coarsley chopped. Smear it on top of four chicken breasts. Put them in the oven for 30 minutes and well, a taste sensation is all I can say.

Wedding was fantastic at the weekend, had a wonderful time. I had to steady the ladyfriend in church. Her knees buckled when she saw her niece bounding up the aisle into matrimony, she can be very emotional at times and yet at others as hard as nails (I have the scars to prove it)

We stayed in the hotel where the reception was which made things far easier, what a ritzy gaff, I made sure I pocketed the toiletries when we left, you have to don't you? I have always admired the world in minature and the temptation of little bottles of shampoo become too much sometimes.

Click for Pictures

Yesterday the ladyfriend and I went to a marvellous wedding. Angela and Peter finally tied the knot! If you would like to see photographs of this event please Click here
Had an absolutely lovely time. I am off now to roast a couple of chicken breasts, I'll tell more tomorrow.

Today is the day for Angela's wedding and the ladyfriend and I are off to Thatcham (very flat place, no hills) to chuck conffetti. I quite like weddings and this one will be good as the ladyfriend and I have a full day pass - not just turning up in smart cardigans for the evening do. This means we can consume booze and food steadily throughout the whole day. Infact, by luck or design I am not sure, the sleeves on my outfit are ideal for hiding pork pies and slim glasses of champagne up them! We are going to have a fabulous time. I hope that there is a strange distant uncle who drinks a lot and dances to The Beach Boys, there always is one.

I'm all fingers and thumbs today, sank a bottle of wine with the Ladyfriend last night - that old chestnut - so we are both feeling a little bit riffy this morning. Whilst putting off getting out of bed this morning I was flicking through an old copy of Red magazine ( a Christmas edition with that screeching banshee Davina Mccall on the cover ) I was getting wafts of old perfume sachets and stubbled on an article about stress. It said you should have a bath with essential oils, candles and chill out music when you feel stressed out - oh please, does anyone actually ever have time for that? The thought of bathing with Moby and a pack of household candles fills me with terror. Too many accidents are caused in the domestic bathroom these days and I blame magazines like Red for perpetuating them. Best thing to do when you want to relax is slip a couple of nembutal and drive out to Aylesbury.

I hate to say it but I really must confess, I am starting to pine for Autumn. I was putting a picture of Jamie Oliver on the website at work and he was dressed in a big chunky roll neck and his face was pale and I thought "oh". Then I looked outside at the sunshine and thought "enough no more, tis not so sweet now as it was before."
I will admit there are a few things I want to do before the summer ends, I long to pluck tomatoes from the vine, buy a rubber blow up boat and sit and listen to a brass band. Apart from that I am ready for extra layers, a windsheeter, perhaps a hat for the evening and leaves! The smell of decay! The whiff of a sunday afternoon bonfire!

I was thinking on the way to work this morning how the position the country is in now , another country occupied so many hours ago. As the world spins and we all get our go in daylight and moonlight so must we therefore share different postitions. It's kind of like when you step on an aeroplane and sit still in the seat yet travel vast distances yet move physically not a jot. So each day we have quite a time of it and we don't realise. I wonder, wouldn't it be nice if people could suspend nice treats for us, some food or other objects related to their culture so that we could have them when we wake up. I am sure some offshoot of the space programme could produce this technology, indeed I suspect it already exists.