I wish I knew how to quit you

Just seen the front cover of the oo ah daily star and the tabloid dog has got Jade firmly between the teeth. Great stuff, they won't let that one lie. I saw Jo rocking like a pyshco on GMTV yesterday too, it made for some very compelling viewing. The nation clunked our spoons on our Shreddies as the door to her career slammed shut.
I've just seen on the Daily Star website that Ant and Dec have bought houses next to each other. Is it me or does it all smack a bit of Brokeback Mountain. Looks like the only bush Ant sees is the Australian kind. That poor wife, still the housekeeping money is probably fantastic.

Lola is away

Today I am handing over Lola to the Ladyfriend, you thought I was bad...

The Ladyfriend on Lola having to phone to cancel a salesman's appointment:
Is it me or do these people keep making assumptions without consulting the very people they should be grovelling to. The country is full of arrogant no-bodies!! I'm going to start lobbying for a new lesson to be added to the school curriculum "Manners Matter". Our children are no longer safe in the hands of rude parents, they will have to be taught the basics by an outside body - as long as it's not gay of course! Dirty, dirty.

On the British Airways strike:
Everyone here cheered yesterday when the workers won against a big corporation too interested in fat management pay packets and share dividends to appreciate the work done by ordinary working men and women. Britain currently has a disease and it's called 'trying to be like America'! Let the immigrants do the crap jobs, let the working man be grateful he's got a job, and the rest can live off them.

Ah, good triumphs over evil, cheats never prosper and all that. How wonderful it was to watch Shilpa snatch the Celebrity Big Brother crown. There wasn't a dry eye in the house last night, what a trooper. I daresay we will be saturated with Shetty from now on but I don't mind, she deserves it. We will have Shilpa this, Shilpa that, a dance might be nice - The Shetty Shuffle. I must admit to taking a fancy to her jeans, that curved ragged hem at the bottom is inspired, I shall call it the Shilpa Shag.

I've got a nasty scrape on my knuckle. It's rather sore and it amazes me that I never felt the incident happen although I am paying for it now. It's always the smallest things that hurt the most, the paper cut, the hanging finger nail, the cracked lip.

Life has had it's ups and downs and I've had my fair share of turbulence when it comes to relationships and I remember the thing that upset me the most when I split up with the bunny boiler wasn't walking away saddled with the credit card debt, leaving without a stick of furniture and the loss of friends which had switched allegiance but that I'd forgotting to take a set of Christmas lights which I really liked. Mad isn't it? You've got to watch out for the little things.

I take a rather rural route to work and of late I have noticed a lot of road kill. This morning it was a badger, the other it was a rabbit. The thing is, they don't look right, they look happy. They have not assumed a position of distress, they are not corpses which have met a sticky end. They look at peace and some have appeared asleep, paws tucked tidily under their heads. No blood and guts. I've started to wonder if they have died elsewhere and someone is putting them next to the road to cover up something more sinister. You never know.

They've created a monster

The Ladyfriend and I have been watching Big Brother and the evil that is Jade Goody this week and have been as disgusted as everyone. I am very rarely moved by stuff on tv, I did feel the prickle of a tear when I heard John Taverner's 'Song for Athene' at Diana's funeral, I liked that bit at the millennium when the Eiffel Tower exploded with fireworks and there have been some moments in Emmerdale Farm which have been of some note but Jade's psychotic behaviour on Tuesday left me speechless.
I do love a public execution and with anyluck she will be dancing the Tyburn jig come Sunday but I do feel it was an accident waiting to happen.
We have seen it on numerous occasions with reality tv where idiots who should go no further than the check out at the chippy have been propelled into a world of 'stardom'. It's like some twisted Pygmalion and Jade aint no Audrey Hepburn.
I was thinking to myself though how different it would have been if Big Brother was around when celbrities were something special. Can you imagine Celia Johnson's clipped English accent and deportment? There would certainly have been no geordie saying "who gaws ya deside." Diana Dors would have filled Jade's shoes but you wouldn't find her letting rip and talking about intercourse.....or perhaps you would.

It's very sad but Rick Stein's dog Chalky has died. He was the best thing on the programme, afterall, there is only so much you can do with a brace of herring. I like dogs on tv, infact I would like a whole channel called DogTV, I bet there already is one on SKY.
I'm not keen on all tv dogs though, I perceived Lassie and the Blue Peter dogs as being too middle classed, the Littlest Hobo was a little bit hammy and Timmy from the Famous Five wasn't really 'front of house' when it came to the action.
The dog from the Little House on the Prarie was great, Bernie Winter's Snorbitz, Wordworth from Jamie and the Magic torch, Champion the wonder dog, Freeway from Hart to Hart, Fred Basset, Hong Kong Phooey, Mutley, Snoopy, oh the list is endless. What a good idea though, the logo could be a big paw print. I think I might suggest it.

I do my bit for the environment, not one copy of the Morning Star leaves the house in a bin liner, I have a pile of rotting vegetables in the garden, I switch off lights when I leave the room and I wash my smalls in Ecover. BUT, I suddenly thought the other day, 'why am I doing it?' It may be selfish, but I wont have kids to worry about leaving the planet to and to be honest a warmer climate will be a boon when I develop arthritis.
The thing that has set this off ofcourse is the traffic in the morning. I pass rather a lot of those big gas guzzling people carriers ferrying over indulged children to and from school and I thought if the very people that have children don't give a stuff then how on earth can they expect me to.
Don't you know that children are our future? sang Whitney but my God look what's happened to her.

I have just seen a big fat Jay bird on a branch, they are a cruel race, but it made my thoughts turn to spring, it won't be long until we see the green shoots from the ground and bulbs bursting into life.
I've been thinking about bulbs, I know it's wrong of me but I was thinking how fun it would be to find an expanse of municipal ground and in the dead of night plant some tulips in an organised display. What's wrong with that? I hear you ask. My display would be a naughty one and when in bloom would say something like "bugger off"

It's a twister Aunty Em, it's a Twister!

I've just been out for a mince around the industrial estate - I'm laying down a few too many layers of flab around the buffers - and I was nearly blown into the path of a juggernaut. It's blowing a gale out there and whipping the country into a frenzy. One of my potted palms has gone over at home, the streets are filled with newspapers put out for the dustman who never came and trees lie prostrate across country lanes like that bit at the end of Torvill and Dean's 'Balero'.

On my way to work this morning I saw a car which had stopped at a junction with his wheels still spinning. I dare say that he paid a lot of money for such hub cap 'decoration' but let me tell you, at 8 o'clock in the morning when the senses are not so highly tuned it was rather alarming. I saw my colourful life flash before my eyes as I prepared myself for a collision.
I remember as a child clothes pegging a square of cardboard to my bike (from a packet of shreddies) so that the spokes of my wheels would sound like the engine of a motor bike. It was great fun. I suppose these gentlemen are looking to recreate the same excitement by adorning their motorcars.
I must say, I wouldn't mind adding a few flags, ribbons and bells to my car AND because of the state of the roads now the holidays are over I would like a huge banner on the bonnet saying "F*cking walk to school"

Hooraay! The ladyfriend and I have gained equal rights to hotel rooms, trouser presses and tea and coffee making facilities despite the religious protest. It went through the Lords smoothly without a hitch or act of God. Brilliant. A shame for those folk waving the 'sodomites burn in hell' placards but atleast they had a nice day out in the big smoke and hopefully a safe journey home - see, I can be nice.
Ofcourse the first thing the ladyfriend and I will do for our civil partnership is book Westminster Abbey, a muslim photographer and obviously Tom Forrest's guest house for our honeymoon (asking for the 'sexual deviant suite naturally)
Mind you, you can't press pause on decades of discrimination and abuse and just like the 'ban' on foxhunting it will still go on. Perhaps little groups of religious extremists will get together in the countryside and burn posters of Elton John an H from Steps.

I've been beginning to think that I've become a bit type cast. I keep getting the same roles. I'm always the shy retiring sort who'll 'have no trouble here'.
I've never been one for an audience, I can trace it back to my infant school where I had to stand up in some kind of school play and say "I can play the triangle, ting, ting, ting" tapping the instrument three times - see, I can still remember the lines. I was petrified. I must have been all but six.
I've played the part of wallpaper ever since. Ask not what life can do for me but what I can do for life! Perhaps I should shake things up a bit and wear a cravat, prance around with a silver topped cane, become a rake, a dandy, start a dance troupe. When I go I want to go like Elsie.

There's not a lot on the telly in the week - unless you're fond of watching hours of soaps and reality tv - so the Ladyfriend and I joined the easy jet dvd hire thing. It's right up our alley, we choose a disc and they send it in the post, we watch it and then send it back. We love it. We like to get a tv series so we can watch an episode a night. A few months ago it was Series 1 of Tenko, I was hooked, I still don't know what's happened to all those poor ladies who went off into the bush.
Anyway, at the moment we are watching Love Soup with Tamsin Greig. I think she's great. She was great in Black Books too but I don't like the Green Wing. It's not her fault. I just don't think it's funny. But lots of people do, but a lot of people like Ricky Gervais and I've never understood his popularity.

Holy smoke without fire

Next week a group of Christians, Muslims and Jews will hold a demonstration against the Sexual Orientation Regulations which start in April. What this basically means is that it will be illegal to discriminate against people be it gay or straight when providing services. To quote the Daily Mail "Campaigners claim the rules will force religious groups to promote homosexual rights in contradiction to their teachings and could persecute those who disapprove of homosexuality on moral grounds" - how awful for them.
Now, isn't it heartwarming that what with 9/11 (which has always sounded to me like the opening hours of a convenience store) the Bush crusade in the Holy land and Israel's wall building, these battling religions can still come together to bash the queers? It also would seem that the Jews have got a very short memory when it comes to tolerance.
These new laws cut both ways you know, it doesn't just extend to a bitter old Bed and Breakfast owner who denies a couple of old poofs a seaview in Broadstairs, it will effect the gay community too. We will have to open our doors to binge drinking hen parties and there will be nothing we can do to stop them, our dance floors will be filled with underdressed fat girls wearing devil's horns - the closest thing to hell we will EVER see.

'Special' stuff

Today I popped to the 'local' butcher close to work. I try to stay clear of the supermarket whenever possible and as spaghetti bolognese is on the menu tonight (the ladyfriend's favourite) I needed some mince.
There were no familiar labels at the butcher shop, no organic stickers, no kite marks or tractor signs so my heart was in my mouth. I asked for enough mince for two and then the excitement began...
The fella in the apron exploded, "oooh, very good madam, yes, yes let me see" and he bustled about in the back of the shop and returned with a tray of the stuff. It only cost £1.49 which is gentle on the pocket but will it be the same on the stomach? We shall see. I was just a little taken aback by the frenzy the word 'mince' caused, what on earth would happen if I mentioned offal?

Sheep Shit

I'm up in arms about this 'Gay gene in sheep' experimentation. I'm with Martina on this one. It ticks my box in the admitance that homosexuality is not a serving suggestion but a biological fact but to attempt to meddle with it spells disaster. Thing is it's obvious to me that homosexuality exists as Mother Nature's contraception, controlling populations so that the planet regulates its resources. Just imagine if there were no gay rabbits, rats or flies. I think you know where I am going with this one. To be honest, I think homosexuals should be highly praised and elevated to the highest position in society. My people free up school places, leave room in playgrounds and are little or no strain on the country's services. We don't breed to keep the masses in check, the gifts we have are many, our menfolk are better dancers and our ladies can put up shelves.

My word but it was cold this morning. I like to chill out with the rest of them but I could have done without the icy blast that whipped around my breast pocket at 7.15am. The moon was still out and it loomed in the sky like a large lady on a seaside promenade who has to sit down a minute whilst she catches her breath. A hazard to shipping.
It's supposed to be the most depressing day of the year today but I like winter, I like the boney branches, wet grass and howling winds, I like stews, rooty vegetables and warming wine. I like wearing lots of layers, hats and bulky boots. So, as we go into these two miserable months when it feels like there is nothing to look forward to let us make the most of deep winter, it may be bleak but there are plenty of fruits from its tree if you shake the branches hard enough.
12th night, Burns Night, Valentines Day - ah, it's all to come! Perk up.

Yee Har!

It's been a smashing Christmas. I have indeed made merry and am now carrying rather a lot more 'baggage' than I would like to and most of that is around the waist. Mind you, it looks like I've got the beginnings of a small flight bag under the chin. So it's time to treat the body as a temple (and not one in a war torn country subject to bombings or the occasional stampede) the cork screw is going away for a month, the remaining chocs are to be melted down and the fridge is to be stocked with mouth watering vegetables. I've decided I shall have to move about a bit more. I can't hack gyms, the smell of sweat and rubber conveyor belts does nothing for me so I may be turning my attention to music and movement, I'm seriously considering the benefits of line dancing....