i am at luton airport on a phone boc internet thing on the ladyfriends birthday waiting to go to spain ...... isn;t progress fabulous - i cant find an apostrophe though

Getting ready for work this morning I saw that the ladyfriend had put out socks for me to wear. I must stress this is not an everyday occurence but has had to come into force this week as we are going on our mini-break to Malaga at the weekend. The ladyfriend is in charge of packing and has taken on this role ever since I took up with the gal. She has thus worked out what I can and can't wear so we have clothes clean and pressed for the trip. I have to let her know my sartorial selection in advance.

As this has been going on for four years now it struck me that I have lost the ability to do my own packing. It's almost like one of those languages that a small tribe in South America have used for centuries but due to modern influence has slowly died out. Will I ever be able to think ahead or fold a shirt neatly ever again? I don't think I could.

Call me suspicious but what do you expect? The woman has had that tinker Tabby in the house casing the joint for the last month. She should be lucky her drive hasn't been badly tarmacced aswell! You can take the boy out of Ireland......

My handsome big brother is flying off to New York today. What a jet set life we all lead these days. I've asked him to bring me something back ofcourse, I don't know what. The novelty of having something that one can't buy oneself is still very great with me. it can be quite ruinous though. When I am in the supermarkets of europe I often buy stuff just because of the funny writing regardless of contents. Not for me fine perfume, lace or chocolates no, I prefer bubble bath with silly names, tins of milk with strange kids on and jars of marinated kippers.

Oil stocks have hit an all time low. After doing a bumper tray of roasted seasonal vegetables on Sunday I've now only got enough to drizzle on a nun's middle finger....dire straights indeed! Thank goodness the ladyfriend and I are off to Spain on Saturday! Una paloma blanca, I'm just a bird in the sky! I shall be bulk buying in Carrefour, a trolley piled high with oily tins of the stuff (after using the contents I like to wash them out and using them as attractive kitchen ornaments....trust me, it's nice) I may squeeze a few bottles of vino tinto in aswell although it's a bit naughty after my recent seige of Calais.

I must say I completely agree with Prince Charles. The ladyfriend and I both exclaimed outloud 'at last, someone has the guts to say it' as we read the morning newspapers last week. People do seem to think they can do anything, the ladyfriend and I are fortunate in that we know our limitations. I've pulled my hair out at the attitude of people who have been to university who swan about applying for jobs with such unbelievable confidence even though they are clearly unqualified. Or people who can hold a tune, look like the back end of a bus but truly think they are the next Rosemary Clooney. The conversations I've had to endure with folk telling me they are going to do this or that - fantastical aspirations! Where has the humility gone? Why have our young stopped wanting to be nurses, firemen and train drivers? We are deluding our children like pushy showbiz mothers and it will all end in tears.

The ladyfriend and I are having to compile Christmas lists. I have cause for concern. I think I might be a bit grabby.....I just want so much. I want a kite, the new Nigella Lawson and Jamie Oliver book, a frying pan, a chinese mandolin (with safety guard), a fossil hunting hammer, clinique simply perfume, the new kd lang and Rufus Wainwright cd, a bird bath, socks, scarf, mittens and wellington boots (size 7).

The ladyfriend wants nothing. I had to interrogate her in a Lindy England style and still it was like pulling teeth.

Last night the ladyfriend and I took a trip to the new gastropub in Wooburn. It was pleasantly lit and tastefully decorated - wasn't keen on the carpet mind. I chose the lamb shank and my partner the pork. It tasted lovely and I was stuffed. The chef came out to see us and his persuasive nature made us choose something from the sweet trolley. I had the most amazing Bailey's Creme Brulee. In actual fact, I think I consumed a months worth of calories in one sitting last night. I lay in bed last night feeling like a beer barrel with legs.
The ladyfriend and I were very impressed with the place which has retained a couple of their 'regulars' from the pub's former incarnation. My favourite in particular, was a pissed old soldier in his army blazer who walked through the dining room several times. He seemed to know the Ladyfriend....

This weekend I have been the victim of outside forces. On Friday I looked at my bank account online and to my horror saw that I was £85 overdrawn. I am a bit of a Viv Nicholson so I wasn't that surprised until I clicked to view a more detailed statement. There were 27 payments of £3 going out over two days. I was a little stunned. 'what have I done?' I thought. I rang the bank immediately, what lovely people First Direct are. They froze my account, I had been a victim of fraud! The little bit of paper I signed somewhere had fallen into the wrong hands. I've narrowed it down to a restaurant in Lewes or the petrol station in Eastbourne but either way, from now on I deal in cash.

On Saturday the ladyfriend and I were on our way home to attend a function in High Wycombe. Our journey along the A22 went swimmingly. As we approached the M25 we were taken a back at the number of arctic lorries going in the opposite direction. We soon realised when we clicked on the tranny that there had been a nasty accident. We were stuck for hours, we eventually limped home four hours after setting out, terribly tired and grumpy. It spoilt the night. We missed the function due to a lorry driver's decision. It's the butterfly in the jungle.

Yesterday was lovely. We went to the Country Living Christmas Fayre with my Wonderful Mother and Super Step Dad. The ladyfriend and I got a bit squiffy with a wine tasting lecture, nibbled on bits of cheese and dipped our fingers in balsamic vinegar. It was an exceptional day out.

The ladyfriend and I are in a state of contented excitement. A local pub which was once all a bit 'spit and sawdust' has had a makeover, changed it's name and is doing music and relaxed dining. We can't wait to go there. We have several weekend commitments but we've worked out that we'll be able to squeeze a sherry in on Sunday before evensong.

It's all down to the yuppies moving in and stealing our pavements with their Chelsea Tractors but in this case I've decided to make an exception. I've longed all my life to have a 'local', a place where everyone knows my name. Somewhere I can call in and have a stiff one after work, play for their shove happeny team.....although I doubt it's that kind of establishment. It's one of the reasons the WI has always appealed.

I daresay all my illusions will be shattered on Sunday. The menu will probably be pacific rim, they won't do draught and the fireside seats will be taken by women who look like Nigella Lawson without the charm.

This morning I came to the stark realisation that I need to shell out for some new bras. My favourites are in the wash and so I was scrambling around in my delicates draw trying to find a suitable hoist. You should have seen me.....well, I'm glad you didn't as I reminded myself of a snatch weightlifter.

I lent over and guided myself into the long unused cups, steadied my feet, mentally prepared myself and then, with a huge 'snatch and grab', I stood upright. The room span a bit as I tried to do the contraption up but it was no use, like the weightlifter who has taken on too much I dropped the mammaries and the bra went crashing to the floor.

I have decided to boost M&S profits this weekend and buy up the lingerie department.

A peculiar shift has taken place. For many years I was proud of my cynism. I would snear and gafaw at displays of sentiment. I was well known for my dislike of the fridge magnet. But suddenly, I know not how, but I have become a bit of a slush puppy. Last Friday, I was brought to tears whilst watching This Morning of all things. Yesterday the ladyfriend was reading a verse on a calendar she received free with Woman and Home magazine. She laughed at the ludicrous quote but I thought 'aaah, how nice'. I don't know what's happened but somehow I have projected all my hate onto the ladyfriend. She was once pure, like a lily, but she is now shrivelled with pessimism. Like a Miss Haversham ...."In isolation the greatest sin we commit against ourselves and others, is to shun human companionship".....absolutely!

I was filling the car up with petrol this morning and thought 'blast', each time I go to the pumps it is my intention to cover my hand in someway so I don't have to hold something next to my skin that thousands of other people have held. It makes me feel violated for days. The numbers had raced up to £3.00 + before I remembered the need for protection.

My right hand is now swarming with microscopic bacteria, dna and faint odour. The study of which would make a diverting documentary. Scientists would find traces of boy racer, murderer, librarian and taxi driver.......I could, in effect, have the whole world in my hands.

Back on the subject of the American Election, I saw a bible belt Christian on the tv this morning talking about his vote for Bush. When asked about the huge turnout of anti-gay, pro-life electorate he said, "The religious voter is the right voter because the religious make the best decisions."

I've heard old Tony Blair is turning toward the Catholic church, with queer bashing returning to the streets of London the world has become a more dangerous place this week.

The result of the American election is truly terrifying and has put me in mood indigo. It's staggering to think that half of America is populated by intelligent, sentient beings and the other are brainless fools who think George Bush is the Messiah. I'm worried living in England, I can't imagine the disbelief being felt in America.

Just wait and see, after Iraq he'll invade Iran and wont stop there. I'd be worried in Ireland......he's clearly going through alphabet.

I can't stop consuming. Last night I knocked up a warm chicken and bacon salad with olives, sun-dried tomatoes etc (very continental) It was a large salad, with it I ate 3/4 of a toasted ciabatta and half a bottle of red wine. I didn't rest there. I also chomped on two christmas mince pies! Whilst typing this I am eating a smoked salmon salad..... I don't know what it can be. Maybe the cold snap really is coming and I'm laying down fat in preperation.........by the looks of it it's going to be a long arduous winter.

America are going to the poles, I was watching the news and they were lining up in the name of democracy. The queues were snaking for yards and yards. I don't think I could wait that long to cast my vote. I've heard rumbles that we will be having an early election. I'm not happy with Labour, they've become a bit of a menace to society, especially that Harriet Harman she always looks like someone you'd see infront of you at Tesco packing offal into her bag, ruddy faced with a gold chain poking out of her poloneck. I like my MPs to have an other worldliness about them.....like Robin Cook, Glenda Jackson and Michael Heseltine. Not Harriet, she looks like a stay-at-home mum with issues. Not someone you want making life altering decisions.

On Saturday I crossed the channel and landed at calais, what a miserable, disagreable little place. A town where the friendly bombs had fallen on its desolute land. Oh but the French are a hideous race. I have not met such an unfriendly and unwelcome people. Their road signs are a menace and the people who run the docks should be locked up. I wont mention the war but I'm not surprised is all I'll say. It's a big vote of NO from me when/if a referendum ever comes.

I did manage to stock up handsomely with wine and mustard though. Clive's car was rattling like a milk float all the way home from Dover. It has been put aside for a cheery Christmas.....a cheery Christmas indeed!!!

By the way, thanks to Danni and Steph for three new pictures of Lucy's party.