I'm sitting in a hotspot in the kitchen - no, not on the oven hob but within a internet wireless network! Free broadband? Yes it is, and I've not signed up for anything. It's all a bit sneaky but I'm piggybacking on a neighbour's connection, I'm not sure who it is, but there is a toff a few doors up who looks like the sort who might have gone all wi-fi on us. I have been assured by those in the know that they wont find out which is a comfort. I don't have to sit in fear waiting for the knock at the door. I look like someone from the French Resistance at the moment surreptitiously sending this message whilst the threat of being switched off looms large. I shall have to pop something nice through their flap at Christmas to rebalance my Karma. (By the way Victoria - Just you wait a - Minett I believe I win on the mentioning Christmas front yet again) Right, I'm off to download a bit of Neil Sedaka.

The Ladyfriend and I are off the sauce. We have been on the wagon for a whole week, it's amazing what you can achieve without the stuff. Trouble is, whilst a detox is good for the body it aint good for the complexion. The tectonic plates of my face have shifted and several small volcanoes have erupted. Nice.
We have noticed the days grow longer without wine, on saturday night we normally open a cheeky little number but this week it was Corporation pop instead. By seven thirty we were restless, usually we are sprawled out watching tv but with new vim and vigour we decided to go OUT. We went down to the seafront. The promenade was alive with end of season holiday makers and day trippers, we went on the pier and shot zombies in the arcade, watched a huge moon float above the black sea and heard music at the band stand. Lovely.

The kids are back at school and what was once a pleasant motor to work has turned into torture. I have toyed with different routes but all of them encounter school children of every size and shape. Damn them. Damn there parents more so. There was talk of penalising cars with only one person in, I say fine cars that have children in, they are the ones causing the gridlock, pollution and carnage.
If parents want to school their children beyond the confines of a healthy walk then let them pay for it, whatever the Congestion Charge is in London so let it apply to the home counties kids. That will whip a few of those ludicrous people carriers off of the country roads. The parents can weigh up £100 a month or the holiday home and see where their priorities lie.
I don't see why the countries work force should suffer anylonger. Let school begin at 7am instead when I'm still tucked up in bed.

What exactly IS Sky tv for? The ladyfriend and I don't subscribe, we still get our visual pleasure from four channels - Five is fuzz. My Mum and Dad have Sky and we have spent our house sitting time going up and down the squillions of channels and have found nothing that we want to watch. If you like Will and Grace or Rick Stein you're laughing if, like me, you've had enough of effeminate chefs then you're buggered.
However, something that did catch my attention as I was flicking up and down was 'Decoupage for every occasion' it was absolutely insane but I felt myself strangely drawn. Fat people making greetings cards out of fiddly bits of paper, worth setting the video for.

Each day I have looked out at the back garden at my mum's house and seen a huge rabbit - not in the Donny Darko kind of way mind you - infact, I'm not sure if it's not a hare. It's all in the ears isn't it? Anyway, it wasn't there this morning but my word we had some weather last night. Autumn has most certainly laid claim to the land and I'm thrilled. The Ladyfriend and I were hit by a falling acorn yesterday, last night we watched the X Factor which we always associate with bottles of red wine and dark evenings AND as the preliminary rounds of that musical massacre began so too have our Christmas shopping lists!
Now, before you shriek, we have been looking ahead and wish to avoid the pitfalls that we always plunge into during the festive season. This year we have booked a long weekend away to Amsterdam so close to Christmas day that you can almost smell the brussel sprouts. We have no intention of panic so have decided to have the whole present thing wrapped up by the end of September.
We made a start yesterday. I have discovered a huge out of town shopping monstrosity close to where I work. Under normal circumstances I would rather poke my eyes out with a blunt instrument (like a trumpet or banjo) BUT this one is special it has a HUGE Borders book shop. The Ladyfriend and I went in there at 11, went our separate ways and met up in the Self Help section at 12.30! It is vast and, if you can avoid the constant 'laid back but incessant' badgering of the staff, a pleasurable experience. They have IMPORTED magazines, I was in heaven.

I've been having trouble with the pussy (as Mrs Slocombe would say) Whilst my parents swan about on the aft deck the Ladyfriend and I are in charge of looking after the house and cats. What we thought might be a bit of an easy stretch - working our way through the wine, fridge, toiletries (I've got a thing about using other people's bubble bath and shampoo - never ask me to look after your house)and broadband hit a snag on Saturday night.
Rosie, who is a bag of nerves to begin with, developed a nasty eye infection and began to eat part of her right leg. So Sunday morning we were vet bound. We crammed the poor thing into a picnic basket and sat on the lid and made off to the surgery.
It was emergencies only due to the bank holiday (and double bubble) We saw a box of baby labradors in a shoe box and an old girl with a tiny dog who shuffled about looking like she's come straight from Central Casting. She got a bit of a shock at the check out when the bill swallowed up the best part of her pension.
We left clutching eye drops and drugs, Rosie had the humiliation of one of those cone collars - that came off when we were out of sight of the building - we thought it a little bit extreme.
She's as right as nine pence now though and wolfing down the Whiskas, if I didn't know better I'd say she did it on purpose, do you think Cats can self harm? Has modern life caught up with animal world? Does the other cat have munchausen by proxy?

We've had ship to shore news from the travelling parents, apparently my mother was nearly arrested in Rome. Much news is made of our crazed youth in Magaluf but it would seem our over sixties are tarnishing our reputation just the same. My mum had an Anita Ekberg moment and dipped her hot tootsies in the Trevi fountain. The police appeared faster than you can say La Dolce Vita and swooped on her. They were rather ill tempered and have put my mother off Rome for life, she does not intend to go back. It's probably just as well. When in Rome and all that.

For those who like to conjur mental pictures (not deranged images but scene setters) I am bent over a lap top on one of my mothers kitchen worktop, a bit like that kid in Peanuts with the piano. She's in Rome, I'm in her home. The ladyfriend and I are house sitting whilst my parents are off on another one of their grand tours of europe sponsored by Saga holidays.
The weekend was great. Eastbourne airshow was smashing and I got to see the Utterly Butterly wingwalkers. The crowd were a mixed bunch, quite a few of the fellows were rather odd looking, they wore dark clothing, clutched huge binoculurs and squinted into the horizon. They were the sort of gentleman who are unable to form relationships with people of the opposite sex (or the same - let's not close any door, bless 'em) but could reel off the statistics of military aircraft from 1940 to the present day. We can't all be good at everything, I for one am rubbish (if you excuse the pun) at tying up refuse bags, I'm terrible, yet it looks like the easiest thing in the world when I see other people doing it. I always seem to leave a big gaping hole for rats to scurry in and out of. Oh but now I am rambling.
We saw some of the airshow from the comfort of our own home as some noisy plane with fire coming out of it roared above the roof tops. I thought to myself as I squealed in delight pulling up the sash windows, here I am craning my neck at war craft jets whilst those poor devils in the Lebanon were trying to save theirs from the same thing. A lesson for us all there. And another thing, could you spell binoculars if pushed?

It's the annual airshow at Eastbourne this weekend where aeroplanes fly up and down the shoreline infront of a gasping crowd. It's insanely dangerous when you think about it but fabulous none the less. My favourite are the wing walkers and the red arrows - you can watch those daredevils from our flat window. You may find it a surprise but I do get rather bored of the stunt ones that loop the loop, I have grown desensitized to them even though they go up tiddly up and go down tiddly down. I shall attempt to take pictures but it aint easy to catch a gypsy moth in full flight as you can imagine.

Woops! That's what happens when you don't understand mobile phone blogging.

Oh I had to laugh. There I am being not at all nice about Ipods and where do you think I was at lunchtime? On Ebay that's where. I found out that I can buy a little contraption for only a fiver that I can stick into my new mobile phone which allows me to connect it to my stereo speakers or headphones. As I can store all of my Neil Diamonds albums on the mobile and anything else (I downloaded the new Cerys Matthews video last night) it IS for all intents and purposes an Ipod. So get me, a walking talking hypocrite with knobs on.

I thought having animals was supposed to make you happy. On my way to work I pass a lady built like an outside lavvy walking a tiny looking yap, yap dog. She never smiles. She looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders and transexual steroids pumping around her veins. Infact the only tell tale sign that she is a woman is the two grapefruits swaying in her poloshirt (same top, every day) Perhaps that's why she is so grumpy, she has a limited wardrobe. I may toss out a bundle of old fleeces that I've got knocking around, what with the cooler mornings coming I'm sure she will be glad of it. Or, I could run over her dog and that would save her her morning constitutional all together. She'll be quids in as she will be saving money on the Chum and she could put it towards something in the Cotton Traders catalogue. Everyone's a winner.

I was hunting yesterday for a cd from my rather eclectic music collection when I stumbled on a disc of digital photos that were taken in the year 2000. Digital photography was in it's infancy in my neck of the woods at the time and Peter - who was fluent in several languages - had a camera. It was Christmas Eve and as was usual in those days my friends at the time would all go down to a village pub and become loud and bawdy, sing carols etc. Anyway, what I saw on this disc astonished me. I looked thin, fit as a whippet yet I remember feeling portly at the time. BUT that was not what shocked me the most. EVERY ONE in the pictures looked thin. In the last six years my circle of friends have grown but not numerically. We have all become fat bangers. What's happened in those six years? The subjects of the photos are of differing ages so it aint a natural swelling. What the hell will happen in another six years? Will I have to be winched out of bed? The diet begins today. I am set on a course to regain my turn of the century fighting weight or face a life of sweaty rolls of fat.

Brighton Pride was fab, the weather was nice and we got to gawp at Babs Windsor on the back of a lorry. My pictures will be up shortly as my server is 'migrating' so I should be able to upload them tomorrow. They are not my best work, Lola had an off day.
We DID drink but quite sensibly, even so we felt quite wan yesterday. I think it was the dancing, we certainly didn't disgrace ourselves. Talking of which, at the train station on the way home a group of unsavoury ladies were legless, they were not nice girls, they had bunny ears on, clothes several sizes too small for them with bulging cleaveage. I found them quite alarming, their limited use of the English language filled the train carriage - the air was decidedly blue. Front pages of the Daily Mail whirled in my mind with 'Binge drinking Chav' and 'sluts on the sauce' headlines.
Opposite me was a pale young boy who looked like he'd seen a ghost, infact, he looked like a sickly child in a Victorian novel who'd been locked up in the nursery after his mother had died in childbirth. He was terrified, he covered his ears as the girls effed and blinded and talked of their sexual conquests - even I shrunk into my seat. I daresay they are sat at work now flicking through Heat magazine when they should be clamped in stocks on the village green.

The Ladyfriend and I were having a shall we not drink at Pride conversation this morning - it's tomorrow. If we do indulge we always end up ready for Ovaltine and bedsocks by 3pm. The walk to the train station feels like a Himalayan hike and cheap pizza slices always work their way into the day.
I said, if we don't drink at Pride it's an admission of the onset of old age and I can't let that happen, I'm already rolling into the carpark of maturity and not drinking at Pride will be like buying the bloody pay and display ticket! I've already developed fine lines and wrinkles as they say in the adverts, I occasionally suffer 'one of my heads', policemen DO look like teenagers and I'm forever asking the ladyfriend 'what did he say' during tv programmes.
Tomorrow then will be expensive cans of lager, junk food and blisters and that's alright with me.

I've just lost myself. I went for a drive to find some lunch as this morning's sandwich range in Sainsbury was decided unfullfilling (if you can excuse the pun) By the way, the weather at 8am today was rather Christmas Dayish, quiet, cool and drizzly. Anyway, off I motored slipping into a side street here and a cul de sac there when I discovered to my horror that I had not a clue where I was. I pitched up near a newsagents and popped in and bought some weird sandwich which the rotund chef Brian Turner in his wisdom had put his name to - it was bland and unmemorable much like himself - I also bought some salt and vinegar square crisps incase my levels fell as who knew which barren landscape I may have found myself in next? Anyway, fifteen minutes later familiar scenery came into view and I'm back at my desk, there-there it's all over now but what a fright. I often get myself in similiar pickles in the car. I quite like it as I find what I'm made of as I face the elements face on and pitch myself against the universe. The most hairy was back in June when I went to find petrol and ended up in Harlsden....but that's a story for another day.

During my lunch break I decided to walk off a blood clot that I felt may be forming in my leg and went for a mince around the Industrial Estate I work on. It was quite an eye opener. I don't know if it was once woodland or perhaps had been sympathetically designed but I was taken aback by how many different species of tree there are. There's Rowan, Ash, Oak, several members of the pine family, beeches galore and holly. There is even a blackberry bush which is nearly ripe for the plucking. How wonderful, infact it is more like a bloody arboretum than a corporate carbuncle. Bring on Autumn with its pallete of red, brown and yellow and I will be fizzing with joy.
By the way, the Ladyfriend has been dissing my photo gallery, she say's that it is hard to work out. It's not rocket science but in the future I plan to have 18 galleries of 18 pictures which you can access from the front page of the gallery. Please bear with me, I need 18 interesting subjects. Mind you I am off to Brighton Pride this weekend so I shall come back rammed with delightful exposures.

It was Oliver the Great's christening on Sunday and the Ladyfriend and I were keen to attend. So keen infact that we got there early to grab a pew - very early. The Ladyfriend decided that a casual glance at the invitation was not necessary and we turned up with two hours to spare. She blames her age but I'm not so certain.
We had a very nice day, it was the first christening that I have ever been to, I have not even had one of my own. I was never dunked as a babe and as a consequence I will be waiting in limbo when I pass over. I will have to take a ticket and wait for a place in heaven to go spare, no doubt the unmarried mothers and immigrants will queue jump even on the other side!

Ok, hands up, who's missing Autumn? Who is longing for layers of clothing? The smell of the countryside rich with the heady aroma of blackberries, mushrooms, fallen leaves and smoke on the air? Who longs to feel the breeze toy with their hair? The sound of a cork being extracted from a rich, full bodied bottle of red wine, the rattle of a pan lid on the hob as the steam gathers in a stew, the thud on the carpet of un-solicited Christmas brochures. Oh me, me, me my hand is firmly thrust in this humid air, down with summer and it's oppression - up with dark nights and brooding skies!

I've got the mobile phone - which is why I have gone a little quiet over the last few days. It's ever so complicated, I can do everything except orchestrate world peace on it (although there may be a button for it somewhere). You should have seen me in the shop, I was putty in Brendan's hands. He bamboozled me with 'hip' terms, apparently I have got to 'rinse' my minutes - you tell me!
Anyway, for the techno lot out there it's an Ericsson K800i and I like it. The ladyfriend is at the end of her tether as our once indepth conversations regarding current events have dissolved into the odd grunt as I fumble with my ringtones.

Ah summer, you know when the kids are off when the traffic lightens, ice lolly wrappers are seen on the pavement and fields catch fire! Yesterday I returned from work to see the meadow behind my street reduced to scorched stubble. Little bastards. My heart stopped as I thought of the field mice scampering in terror as the flames swept across the hillside.
As we are currently in the middle of a heat wave we have had to sleep with windows wide open, last night the air was thick with the scent of charcoal, I woke up smelling like a packet of smokey bacon crisps.
Off to Eastbourne this weekend, the sea breeze will be just the ticket. I may have the luxury of an eight hour sleep.

I've opened up a hornets nest, I am perusing the mobile phone market. I need to go on one of those monthly things as calling the ladyfriend is racking up a bit, I'll not be able to buy myself life's small pleasures if I stay on pay as you go. Trouble is there are so many to choose between, do I want style or substance? Some of them are quite ghastly, I want something that will sit nicely in the pocket and not ruin the cut of my slacks. I don't want to do myself a mischief and remove my appendix if I sit down quickly, there's lot to consider.

It's shocking how a simple decision, something fairly innocuous, something moribund, something run of the mill can have such a devastating impact on other people's lives. I'm not talking about the choice of flying long haul and it's impact on climate change and the occupants of the rain forest and I'm not alluding to those northern people that decide to blow the housekeeping on the gee gees, and I'm certainly not going to mention the sort of choices poor Sophie had to make. No, I want to tell you about this morning....
...I arrived early to work and as I am not yet familiar with the area I decided to potter about in the motor and see where I might be able to score (not smack but snacks for lunch) I had plenty of time on my hands and it wasn't long before I had got myself a little lost and I decided enough was enough, time to turn around. I stopped the car, indicated and waited for the oncoming traffic to clear so I could pull in to a side street. The lady behind me stopped too. We waited. I pulled away only to hear a god almighty bang, a woman BEHIND the woman waiting for me hadn't stopped! Oh dear. I quietly slipped away leaving a scene of carnage.
So, my decision to leave too early for work ruined two people's day. It will drag on for months, insurance claims do. All because of me.

Well it looked good on paper but then so does communism. Two weeks on Bodmin Moor in a cloth tent is perhaps not everyone's idea of fun and sadly it wasn't ours either. We came home after a week. It wasn't just the flies, the damp or the filthy shower blocks and it certainly wasn't just the early morning wake up calls of the farmer's tractor that drove us home. We DID have a nice time only the culmination of early mornings and lack of sleep, riffy conditions and the scent of mildew became too much to handle. I think it was the driving rain that swung it. It started off lovely, scorching summer sun, swimming in the sea, winding lanes and picturesque fishing villages, basking shark watching and alfresco dining (we must of eaten our body weight in homous) We did get back to nature and if you like duck poo I'd recommend Bodmin Moor to anyone but two weeks was just not our idea of a summer holiday - we came home looking like those two off 'On golden pond' it'll take surgery to lift these bags.
Anyway, we're off down to Eastbourne to spend the rest of our holiday in the lap of luxury CARPET, HOT WATER, BATHROOM, a KITCHEN! Benidorm next year or perhaps even Margate but you wont find me trudging across a field to have a piddle.

Oh at long last. Lady luck has smiled at me with all her teeth showing (how does she keep them so white? You'd think she'd ride her luck and drink heavily and smoke and eat confectionary, her teeth by rights should be dull but oh no, they gleam like the lights of an expensive car in the dead of night in a country lane) anyway I HAVE GOT A JOB! I start on Monday 17th July. Oh happy day. No more will I eat luncheon supplied by ASDA, inhale the fumes of the A40 or look vacantly at the situations in the paper (by the way what is a CAD operator and why do they need so many?) Lola has got a job.
You won't hear much from me other the next two weeks, tomorrow the ladyfriend make for the west country. Yurts are the new black by the way.

Aaah, modern life. I am time poor, I have not had the time to update Lola, not had a minute to reply to emails, I've spent traffic jams sending text messages and shopping, which used to be a pleasureable leisureable experience, has turned into a lightning campaign. I did a whole week's shop in fifteen minutes on Sunday, the ladyfriend sat in the car whilst I supermarket sweeped - it was a soulless experience, I hardly had time to fondle an avocado. The reason I am saying all this is because on Friday the ladyfriend and I are heading off to Cornwall for two weeks, trouble is, before we can begin our summer soujorn we have to pack a months worth of activity into three days. The ladyfriend has informed me that I can no longer wear anything white and after tomorrow, nothing coloured. What am I to wear? My scuba gear is already packed. It shall have to be my painter's smock and beret again.
The poor ladyfriend has drawn the shortest straw, because my work takes me away from the family home I shall not be available for the domestic challenges that face us, so it will be up to her to hoover the grass, shop her elderly mother and iron the carpet. I've got off quite lightly.
So Cornwall for two weeks! A fortnight of salty windblown hair, ruddy cheeks and carefree summer evenings. Yurts are trendy, camping is cool, it said so in the Sunday Times. Reducing your carbon footprint is all the rage. I do prefer to be on the upsurge of a trend however because of it I expect the roads of Cornwall will be chock a block with yummy mummies in camper vans with kids called TinkyChops and Marrakesh. We shall see......

I didn't tell you did I? In fact I have only just been able to bring myself to tell anyone that I was violated in the car park at ASDA Park Royal. It was last week, I was driving through the lines of parked cars to find a space and stopped whilst there was a hold up. Suddenly a man in a white car reversed out of a space, kept on reversing although I was there and could move neither hither or thither and smacked into one of my flanks. I parked my battered motor and went to find the chap with pad and pencil and he had sped off into the distance. If held out I'd have to say he was probably an illegal immigrant with no right to be parking in Blighty let alone shopping in ASDA in the first place. I dare say he didn't have the necessary documentation or insurance to drive anyway and had I managed to challenge him I would have been punched or worse still stabbed as that seems to be the fashion these days. It is not a long held fantasy of mine to appear on the front of the Daily Mail and to have my murder in association with ASDA Park Royal sends a shudder up the spine.
On a lighter note (in more ways than one) it's the Summer Solstice today, so enjoy today as it's down the helter skelter into the darkness from now on.

Had a very nice weekend - although I am yet to fully recover from a bout of binge drinking on Saturday night - the Ladyfriend and I went down to Eastbourne where we got to try out our new beach tent. It's fantastic, it protects you from the harmful rays of the sun, the page flicking wind and the gaze of flabby teenagers. It is a revolution for the ladyfriend and I as normally we cart chairs, parasols, rugs, cans of ginger beer, sandwiches, a kite and a favoured broadsheet down to the seashore. Now all we need is the tent and a rug, a bag of provisions and Bob really is your uncle. It also combines all the fun of camping and the seaside in one fabulous hit. I'm just amazed it took us so long.
On Saturday night we went to see Michelle and Sarah, two spinsters of the parish of Brighton, where I have been partly converted to the ipod (for home use only) I couldn't work the damn thing but I did enjoy the selection of music which was available. It does take out the furtive fumbling for a cd in the fading light of a summer evening but I'm still yet to be fully sold on them. My latest surrender to the 21st century is the need for a contract mobile phone .I'm window shopping at the moment but it doesn't sit well with me. Next I'll be wanting broadband, sky tv and a wide screen television - oh God forbid.

Has the perrier gone straight to my head? I've been watching England in the World Cup. The Ladyfriend got a bit nasty. She knows her stuff. Sven should have pulled them all off at half time. Not that nice Mr Beckham though, we like him. No, it's Lampard that gets the bums rush on our sofa at the moment. To be honest I've found this world cup a bit lack lustre, the BBC theme tune isn't a hum dinger, the ITV lot look like the dregs left in the Legion at closing time and the camera man that films the matches looks better placed to assasinate a passing president than film a sporting occasion so high up is he I'm surprised he can breathe. The only thing I do like is the font that the players have on the back of their shirts, it's very nice, but then fonts are nice, I notice fonts, I notice nasty ones and nice ones, rounded ones and sharp ones, dated ones and ones that are pleasing to the eye, my favourite fonts are the ones that look like nice handwriting but it's not comic sans. I forget what it is, there is one that has an 'a' that looks like the 'a' my primary school teacher used to write and it transports me back as soon as I see it...write, I'm off, there is still a little wine left and half a bakewell tart, Lola is pissed. Oh, life tends to come and go As long as you know Know, know, know, know

Ipods, I don't get it. Back in the 80's people walked around with Sony Walkmans, the craze went away and now it has returned with ipods. I don't understand. I see people with white wire dangling around their necks and 'tut tut'. A girl was driving behind me today and I could see when I took my occasional glance in the rear view mirror that she had two white lumps hanging off her ears. At first I thought she may be deaf but realised that those sort of hearing aids are no longer dished out on the NHS (more's the pity - I personally like to recognise a handicap instantly in a crowd, you know where you are and are prepared for THAT voice when they talk to you)
Anyway, why did she have to listen to an ipod whilst driving? I've seen others with them walking short journeys, waltzing around the shops, jogging. Surely life is noisy enough not to inflict it on yourself 24 hours a day. The greatest sound is mother nature taking a deep sigh, the sound of the blackbird is top of my hit parade.
It's all a fad which will pass. I reckon Cliff Richard should dust down his rollerskates and re-release 'wired for sound' That will have 'em one, the sales will plummit over night. To be honest, half the time I reckon these people have only bought the headphones and not the actual device. It's all for show, did you know they make them in Shenzhen and the workers are on £27 a month or something like that. It was in the Daily Mirror today, they live in dorms and work 15 hour shifts, the production line never stops, poor sods......shuffle that with your conscience.

Whilst I've been doing this freelancey thing I've had to send emails here and there all over Europe. I've had to interact with people with funny names in Uzbekistan and the like, I even had a phone call from the Black Sea! Anyway, one thing that has hit home is the amount of my communication that is peppered with phrases that no one outside of beautiful Britain would understand. Things like 'cut the mustard', 'smashing' that kind of thing. I'm sure if I wrote 'horse has bolted' the people in Moscow would think the cold war had started again. So I've had to tread careful with my grammar (there I go again). As a consequence my emails have lost all decoration. They look cold and remote. I did think I was getting somewhere with a French man but we had to revert back to basics when I realised I was leading him up the garden path......lord I've done it again. I challenge all Lola readers to go a day pretending you are talking to someone from Eastern Europe (mind you, you probably do anyway, if the Daily Mail is to be believed they are all over here stealing our jobs and eating our women or something like that) anyway, have a go, don't use any phrases that would make them not see the wood for the trees and see how you get on.

Today Life For Lola is rattling the tin of charity under your noses. My friend Ushma (the official face of the World Cup) is doing one of those running about things for titty cancer and all that and through the magic of the internet you can donate money so she can hit her target. She's ever such a nice lass, the only brown girl in the office, keen and ever so jammy. She's even interviewed Tony Blair.....and lived!
Anyway, here is the link www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/ushmamistry you can give as little or as much as you like. I know my readers are kind, considerate and generouse - even if I didn't get my Figaro car.
I'm afraid you wont catch me doing that sort of thing as I'm not built for speed so I wont go asking for you to dig in your pockets again. Go Team Ushma!

I don't think that I'm thinking ahead enough. Yesterday in ASDA's I was sandwiched at the till between an two old gummers. The one behind me had a pint of milk and four tins of cat food in her basket. The lady in front had a tin of lentil soup and a bag of watercress and that was it. I felt a bit bad. These women were obviously finding the times hard. My smoothie alone would blow their household budget and turn any thoughts of an annual trip to Weymouth seem out of the question. I'm sure these women in their younger days would, like me, splash out on fancy trinkets and horse brasses and now they watch the pennies through their failing eyesight.

I have not really wanted to bring up the subject of Sharon Osbourne but whenever she does spring to mind I do feel a lump coming back up the throat. I've never been keen, there is something a bit downmarket about a woman who seems so desperate to sell herself, splatter herself across the tabloids like pigeon sh*t on Lord Nelson. No, she's not my cup of mushroom tea. The Rebecca Loos fiasco was toe curling. It reminded me of situations I have found myself in when two women start having a go at each other (offices are a breeding ground for such sort of behaviour) in pubs when pints are hurled, outside school gates, in traffic jams, and every time I have looked on in startled disbelief. Hand bags at dawn, not on national tv.
Mrs Osbourne is as common as muck, she's the sort that 'go up that school' and sort out teachers who punish their children. That tart with a heart routine she pulls with the under priveliged and tone death is wearing a bit thin from where I'm standing. I had to slam shut the Daily Mail last week because she was pictured squeazing the junkie breath out of some spotty kid on heroin in that "I understand luv, I've been there darling" and with every snap of the camera shutter sales of her auto-biography go up and up.
I had her cards marked when she gave that diddy koy Tabby the run of the house, it wasn't long after that she became the face of ASBO, patting her backside at all that money she was pretending to save the Chavs at the checkout. Then followed the Sunday paper headlines orchestrated to boost her profile and all those bottles of Henna - urrgh, ghastly woman.

Had a smashing weekend. The Ladyfriend and I were supposed to take our usual trip to the coast but we decided to take advantage of the good weather and spend time on the garden. The grass had grown so high that we were beginning to stick out like sore thumbs in the street. You can be an unmarried mother, inject heroin in the corner shop and beat your wife to a pulp but nothing brings greater shame than letting your lawn grow too high.
It took ages, the woman next door kept hanging out her washing which had been laced with cheap fabric conditioner, it was too much. The lovely natural smell of cut grass mingled with the synthetic stench of Unilever's laboratory and I wasn't happy. Anyway, it's done now, we can leave the house without dark glasses and the threat of social disgrace.
The weekend was peppered with family visits. Oliver the Great popped in (pictured above)on Saturday with the Thatcham Massive and today we scoffed sausage sandwiches with Amy, the nicest niece. A smashing, unexpected weekend. We are now officially on a Four Week countdown to the Yurt by the way.

I've become a bit addicted to smoothies - not home-made ones, although I do have a smoothie maker - but shop bought ones, in particular the Innocent ones. I've been popping one in my basket for my lunch every day, slurping it down and then chucking the plastic bottle in the back of the car. Those little bottles soon add up. I looked in horror this evening and felt a tinge of regret blush my cheeks. I felt like one of those alcoholics when the truth hits home when they hear the rattle of the voddy bottles when they put the bin bags out. I feel bad because I've heard through the grapevine that these little bottles don't get re-cycled. Apparently a big container ship comes over with cheap jeans from China unloads dockside and then gets refilled with all our plastic bottles. These then return and get burnt in some village in the far east. A thick toxic cloud forms which in turn falls down as acid rain and much more besides. So you see, a little de-tox can have monstrous repurcussions. Think on, do you really need that echinacea?

We had hailstones this morning in Eastbourne, hailstones! On Bank Holiday Monday, not happy. Yesterday we had a nice day, the Ladyfriend and I took to the seashore, I played in the rock pools and watched as shrimps dashed away from my monstrous hands as I shook their world inexplicably - where was there God now? I thought.
I flew my kite (provided by Sally Swift Photography - for all your photographic needs) kicked the football into the sea by accident, but accidents don't wash with the ladyfriend when it's her shoes that get soaked trying to retrieve it.
I did have a thought though when I was picking up shells (by the way I found two bits of seaglass! Two bits! They are as rare as hen's teeth now people have got all environmental. Time was when you would be able to find lots of nice tide worn glass but not now people take their litter home) ANYWAY, my thought. Pebbles are the only things that look nicest when they are wet. When taken home all dry they loose their beauty, paint looks nicest dry, when decorating you always say "you wait till it's dry it will look great" so does hair, I saw a lady in a fish and chip shop with wet hair and it look unseemly. So there's my thought.

I'm a little bit country and that's why I can't hack this A40 commuting lark. I'm not cut out for the bumper to bumper. This week has been a bit of a shlop on the Westway. I have had these little landmarks which I reach and breathe a sigh as I pass them. I've had the Hoover Building (my favourite building actually) then the big inflatable puppy on the Vangaurd Building but the one that has got on my tits the most is the Marks & Spencer's advert with that stroppy model in black, not Twiggy but the lanky one.
She's wearing some outfit put together by the nimble and exploited fingers of children, she's being paid an eye watering figure but she's got a face like a slapped arsenal fan. I don't like it one bit, it's not something you want to look at at 8.15 in the morning whilst you're being shunted up the jacksy by a clapped out Ford Cortina. It's not just any old ride to work, it's a long, tiring, irritating drive to work.

I feel like Marlon Brando when they lifted him off his death bed with a crane. It's amazing what being office bound does for the figure. I was flitting about here and there before this tempting temping and now I sit like a little Buddha tapping away at a computer all day. The Michelin Man looks positively anorexic next to me. I'm trying to walk about more but the loo isn't far from my desk and the men in ASDA's will be tapping me on the shoulder soon if I skulk about too much on too regular a basis during my lunch break. Hey fatty bomb bomb.

I have tried to encourage all manner of birdies into the garden, I have put out the right kind of seed to lure them all in and by and large I have had a great deal of success but two species still allude me, the Yellow Hammer and the Bull Finch. Guess what I saw today as I queued to get off of the motorway? There amongst the bottles, cans and fast food debris was a bloody Bull Finch. I was rather annoyed. What is it about a noisy, polluted road that's better than my garden? If I could have run the bugger over I would have. By the way Miss BBC with the Yellowhammers like confetti, I've lost your email, write to me and let me know how you are getting on with the breakfast show lola@lifeforlola.co.uk

A merry month of May indeed - Happy 70th Birthday (today) to Super Step Dad and Happy 1st Birthday (yesterday) to nicest niece Amy. If that isn't a reason to open something cold and bubbly then I don't know what is.
Work Update: I'm sort of free lancing, although I have not been asked to joust yet, it's in a riffy part of London and my lunchbreak is one of terror. I sit in the car in the carpark of Asda eating slimey white sliced bread sandwhiches with one eye on the clock and another on the general public (which are generally nasty looking). I slam the door locks down tight shut and keep the window open only a fraction so they can't slip a knife through. It's going well. I get to work from home on Thursday and Friday, I get to toil in my terry towelling dressing gown.

Wow, last night I got back to nature. The Ladyfriend and I went out with Miss Diane and on her recommendation we took a visit to Christmas Common to see the bluebells. I was quite taken aback to see a riot of blue as far as the eye could see, and the smell, my goodness, it was like falling into an old lady's knicker draw full of packets of scented liners bought by grandchildren every year because she made the mistake of saying she liked it once.
It was nature at her most brazen and jaw dropping. It was dusk and the woods were alive with the chatter of wildlife and deer ran amok as we trampled twigs underfoot. It was the highlight of my week and I have no hesitation in saying that. It pays to get back to nature, it's the cheapest form of alternative therapy going. What a sad life it would be indeed without the sound of the wind through a thousand trees.
What topped the evening off was fabulous Greek food which I had always thought was a contradiction in terms. It was a smashing little place in Henley....actually, there were no plates smashing, hmmm......anyway, it was fantastic, the whole evening was fantastic. A tip top Thursday.

I have been up a ladder, I've been painting and because my position was one of elevation the aromas of late spring crept through the open windows and right up my hooter.
Sadly 'her next door' has also been making the most of the sun. She was flopped out caked in chip fat trying to capture a tan. She's eighty a day and instead of the scent of lilac bushes floating in from the garden I got fags, it felt like I was trapped on the beaches of the Costa Del Sol in high season.Horrible.
The warmth of the last two days has brought out a couple of my roses, the grass has leapt like a springer spaniel and the birds have made short work of the bird bath - I am having to top it up regularly with one eye out for the water board.
Talking of birds, we have had a white racing pigeon squatting on our bird table. It won't go away. It's pure white. I am not so sure what to make of it. In some cultures it could mean something sinister like a death on the cards, then again it may induce a win on the scratchies. I am at a loss.

Oooh, I didn't tell you. Lola became a shop girl on Saturday. Before you leap to the wrong conclusion I'm not a till tart, things have not got to that stage yet. I have not applied to the greedy superstores and anyway, I've enforced sanctions with Tesco and the Ladyfriend has too. No, when we went to Hastings we were standing outside a junk shop admiring the, well....junk when the owner looked us over and said "You look like nice people, could you mind my shop whilst I pop out?" I wasn't even wearing a Kath Kidston neckerchief.
So we did it. I was terrified that 1: Someone would shoplift and 2: That something "zany" would happen and I'd end up being filmed for some awful Saturday teatime telly programme presented by a fat girl from Emmerdale Farm. Ofcourse none of the above happened. But it could have. She didn't pay us. She didn't even offer us any junk.

What a weekend, weather was a real treat. The Ladyfriend and I motored along to Birling Gap which is between Seven Sisters and Beachy Head and at low tide is quite phenomenal. You aren't allowed to take pebbles off of the beach as they need everyone of them to protect the cliffs from erosion.
At low tide the sea retreats to reveal an almost lunar landscape of rock pools and boulders. I had my shoes and socks off quicker than you can say slippery sea weed and I was splashing about in no time. It was as warm as bath water, well bath water which has been left for half an hour or more whilst you speak to someone on the phone but warm no less. I can't wait for May 27th, it's national low tide day when the sea goes out the furthest it will go this year, it's speshall and I have my net and Observer Book of the Sea Shore at the ready.

Had my hair 'set' today, I felt ever so tired. The last time I popped in for a do I was bright and bubbly but it was as much as I could do to tip my head back into the basin. I did enjoy having it conditioned though, it is nice when they do that slow rubbing kind of massage thing with their fingers. I could have drifted off to sleep there and then.
On my drive home the sun was high in the sky and there were no clouds to speak of. I popped on my Pink Martini cd and I motored off along the road, stopping here and there for roadworks and the occasional slow cyclist.
A breeze knocked off the blossom from a tree and for a moment I was bathed in a storm of petals to the sound of 'sympathetique' it was quite moving, almost like a Fellini film although I wasn't dressed for such an occasion - but then, who of us ever are?

During the weekend the Ladyfriend and I went to an old priory which had a Celtic open day, you know the sort of thing, people dressed up in itchy looking costumes whilst wearing Adidas trainers, buggering about grinding corn in reconstructed wattle and daub huts. We had a nice time and the weather was kind, we walked around the moat and I noticed how well behaved the children were. There were no tears, no shrill shouting to break the peace of the day and no swearing. They were all happy making clay animals, chucking pretend spears at wooden cut outs of invaders and generally carrying on in a nice way. Perhaps New Labour should encourage this sort of thing in deprived areas of London, bring mud huts to the masses. At one point I saw a mother and child bent down in the long grass, 'oh' I thought 'how horrid, she's going to let her go for a wee infront of us all and put us off our ice cream wafers'. But no, the mother said to her child 'look darling, can you smell that? It's wild garlic' Lola was pleased, perhaps there is hope after all.

I've been a long, long way away - not like Celia Johnson - just down to Eastbourne, glorious Eastbourne but away all the same. The weather has been rather dreary on the coast but the Ladyfriend and I made the most of things. Welcome news was the Wayne Rooney foot thing. I for one will find the World Cup all the more easier to watch without him there. I have always said that I suspect a touch of Downs in the lad and find it a little off-putting watching him dribbling down the touchline. Also, I expect he would lose his temper and get sent off and it will all go down to penalties and we all know that way lies ruin. All we need now is David Beckham to slip a disc and we might stand a chance of winning.

I've been doing a bit of stripping, well it passes the time and let's face it, what's a girl like me supposed to do to get through the day? It's kept me off the streets and out of Sainsbury's which can only be a good thing in anyone's book.
I'm decorating the kitchen and have been happy slappy with the paint stripper and positively possesed with the sander. I'm covered in dust though, and you don't want to know what's coming out of my nose. I stood in the middle of the kitchen after attacking the walls and when I looked in the mirror I thought I had seen a holy vision only it was me, white as a statue of Our Lady. I nearly dropped the power tool on me foot in shock.

Well the Bach Flower Remedy worked, I felt a lot more confident, thankfully I was nothing like Spud from Trainspotting, that would have been one for the memoirs. Plus I didn't say "girl power" like Daisy from Spaced although a moment did arise when I could have done.
I liked the job very much so fans of Lola must unite tonight and mention me in your prayers, I'm sure you could squeeze me in between some long distance cousin and an incontinent old aunt, go on, please, pretty please.

Tits crossed everyone, I'm about to leave for my next interview. I have taken to relying on the spiritual. My horoscope for the week says the harmonious alignment from Venus to Jupiter suggests I'm about to get it right once again and I'm not to feel too ashamed of my success. Is Jonathan Cainer singing from the same hymn sheet? I've also necked a bottle of Bach Flower Remedy and have hung a dreamcatcher on my nancy so we shall see how we go.

Oh dear, that didn't go too well. I arrived far too early in an attempt to beat the traffic and as a result I slid along the M40 like a hot knife through butter and had a whole bloody hour to kill. I did see three parrots up a tree whilst I sat in a pub car park which was quite something.
Anyway, found out the terms and conditions of the job which were monstrous and quite Dickensian. Had I accepted such a position I think I would of ended up paying them for the pleasure! What with 16 days of holiday, frowned upon half hour lunch breaks and a Stretch Armstrong style working week I'd heard enough. By 12 O'clock I'd packed away my glasses and slung my bag over my shoulder and made my excuses. Lola was off.
Another interview tomorrow, will the pleasure never end?

I am to dip my toes in the pool of work tomorrow but I must say I am rather reluctant to roll my trousers up. We shall see how it goes. It's only a trial, I may not like it, they might not like me. It might go all a bit Norman Wisdom and I'll burn down the office just by sharpening a pencil. Who knows.
I did see a tempting advert for lock keepers on the Thames. It's a seasonal job where they employ people to open and shut the locks for the boats, lovely and in the open air. I was a bit worried however that on the lazy stretches of the Royal river it might all get a bit Brokeback Mountain. The Ladyfriend wouldn't like that.

The dreaded interview today. It seemed to go ok. They seemed keen. They have asked me to go in for a trial day next week which plays nicely with my eeking out my leisure time. I don't like interviews. I tried to imagine them in the nude which only made the whole experience even more ghastly.
Had a lovely weekend. Howard was over from Spain so we took him down to Eastbourne to show him the sights. We also made sure he was fed with some nice steak and ale pie, good food, not like that spanish nonsense, greasy old rice and wiffy wind blown ham. That stuff looks like something your Grandma has dropped whilst eating her tea and rolled under the telly.

Normally I'd be sat at my desk poised and ready to go at 9am (well, I probably wouldn't be poised but I'd certainly be at my desk) today however I was sat having my hair set at the salon. I can now bounce along the pavement happy on the outside as well as on the inside.
I've lined up a few lunch dates for next week, sorted a few things out in the household management line, surfed a bit on the internet and the rest of my day is very much my own.
Whilst on my way to the hairdressers this morning I saw a large group of people getting onto a coach. They were probably off on a nice trip to the coast. They were of pensionable age so they had probably been awake since four this morning making thermos flasks of tea for the journey but I was sorely tempted to hop aboard myself. I'm sure I could of stolen myself aboard with a flowery story about health and safety. It's such a nice day a trip to the seaside would be just the ticket.

It's another beautiful day. On the way home from dropping off the ladyfriend at work I took the long way home. The sunlight danced across the windscreen and toyed with my window wipers. I pulled over into a cul-de-sac when I realised that I was holding up a train of commuters - how remiss of me, I forgot! I then carried on passed the Thames, along winding country lanes, by freshly churned fields which reminded me of bolognese mince. It gave me inspiration for tonight's tea - lasagne.
I then popped into Sainsbury and tip toed around the aisles stuffed with fresh produce, yummy mummies and old people. I stopped for a Vanilla Latte and negotiated my way out of the car park - Observation: people who don't work can't drive.

I say, this redundancy lark is certainly what it's cracked up to be, infact it's better! If the unemployed entered the olympics they'd play the theme tune of "This Morning" as the national anthem. Breakfast tv is now a foreign country to me as I don't switch on until 10am. What decadence. I dropped the ladyfriend off at work this morning and grinned at all the 9to5'ers as they hurried about in their cars.
I would have enjoyed my first week of being out of work more if I hadn't developed a flu like virus. It reminded me of when Victorian explorers discovered African tribes and brought them the bible and the common cold. My re-entry into the real world has made me susceptable to infection. I am having to go easy as I travel about.

It's my last day at work today and at 1 O'clock I will be escorted down a long corridor by guards jangling keys. I will stop at the reception and collect the things I had to hand in when I signed a contract seven years ago. Things like dreams, hope and a sizeable chunk of my brain (the bit that works). I will walk out into the blinding sunshine and take my first steps of freedom - we are not talking Nelson Mandella here but you get my drift.
How exciting. My posting may get a bit sluggish from here on in as I'm dial up at home and I have to run up and down with extension leads to get on the internet. But keep tuning in, you never know.
Raise a glass to Lola where ever you are tonight, the pubs of market towns, mexican restaurants in Slough, on the sofas of Basildon and the cafes of the Rue Bergere. Toast to Lola's good fortune and an exciting year ahead.

I was thinking. You know people wear pedometers to measure how many steps that they take each day. Wouldn't it be good if there were ones for speaking? They tell you how talkative you've been. Also, what sort of words you've used. Long ones, tricky to pronounce ones, obscene ones, slang ones and ones that you don't really know the meaning of but like to pepper your conversations with because you've heard them said before with great aplomb (there you go,there's one already).

I think they would be an invaluable resource. An improving tool which would note exactly where you dropped your 'H'. As long as it didn't make you sound like Steven Hawkings they could sit around your neck. They could even be accessorized like an i-pod. They may encourage the shy to chit chat, they would try and beat their tally daily and intergrate more with society. They may even encourage a few people to pipe down.

Had a nice weekend although I feel I may have picked up a dose of something. Icky head and sore throat kind of thing. I know I'm a bit run down due to the job situation. 5 days and counting till I have my freedom. It's very hard to motivate myself to go to work. This morning was the worst but I pulled myself together and I'm sitting here with menacing thoughts and hatred bubbling in my veins. A rumbling volcano of redundancy.

On to nicer things, I flew my kite at Pevensey Bay yesterday. It was a beautiful day the sun a welcome guest on my ruddy windblown cheeks. A little boy eyed my kite with envy but I was having none of it. I ignored his pleading gaze, he can get his own.

My mate Carol - the nicest American in the world - is pictured here on Ehukai beach. The sea is rather choppy and plagued with jelly fish. I'll keep to the gentle ebb and flow of Eastbourne's beach, it's blue flag quality, gently lapping and excrement is kept to a minimum.

Talking of foul things. Never buy creme fraiche in a hurry. Last night I was in a bit of a hurry and purchased a tub of the stuff for a quick chicken and mushroom sauce to go with pasta (a family favourite) anyhow, I slopped the stuff in the pan and oh my God...a peculiar chemical reaction occured. Strange frothy grey globules floated to the top of the pan. I was puzzled. I fished the tub out of the swing bin and found to my horror that the french dairy invention was not creme fraiche but bloody fromage frais! We had to chuck the lot it was vile. A lesson for us all there.

My pirate name is:

Bloody Bess Flint

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

I think everyone I have spoken to saw the end of Crufts last night and the crazy bitch (not canine) dancing to 'All that jazz' with her dog. I've never seen anything like it in my life. Time stood still as a woman on the wrong side of 40 paraded about in a packed arena dressed in a diamond spangled cowboy shirt waving a baton. I didn't know where to look, it was car crash tv with a flat tyre.

I was in Hastings yesterday, it's crying out for a tin of paint that place. It has the look of lost wealth. It has been carved up by architects on LSD with the occasional slice of faded grandeur. Whilst driving along the seafront we came across a group of people running with buckets and a big banner saying "Send Maggie to Rotterdam" I was intrigued. What's in Rotterdam?

I wondered if it was a dying wish of Maggie to see the Erasmus Bridge or did she want to see a football match or a Robbie Williams concert that her current funds prohibited. I did then think that perhaps Maggie didn't know she was going to be taken, perhaps her family have had enough. Perhaps she's too far gone and they want to take advantage of their relaxed views on euthanasia.

Oh please, I've heard it all now. Apparently there are still kids in the UK living below the poverty line. What rot. The definition of "poverty" in this country isn't what you'd think. It isn't not having food, starving and begging on the streets but apparently not having access to DIGITAL TELEVISION!!!! Poor? to be honest, from what I've seen of it, a life would be so much richer from not being exposed to BBC3.
A better dish to have should surely be one with meat and two veg not a carbuncle stuck on the side of your house to pick up Murdoch's vomit (mind you...perhaps that's what Tony wants?)

Quite shocked to discover that there is a family in Turkey who walk on their hands 'missing link' style. The image of them in the Times bounding about on all fours has unsettled me. How does this sort of behaviour slip through the net? Mother Nature does play a cruel trick or two when she's in a pissy mood. I count my lucky stars that my figure (although generous and ample) is well proportioned and run of the mill. Thank God for the moribund is what I say.
The Ladyfriend and I watched "A Taste of Honey" at the weekend. It has always been a favourite of mine and it was nice to see it again. It was wonderful to see how England used to be, simple pleasures, no cappucino culture or downloadable ring tones. We got it free with the paper. I must confess that we are Tabloid tarts, we have no allegiance what so ever and will hop from one paper to the next depending on what DVD's going. Shameless.
I am also a fan of T J Hughes (he's not some lefty author but a shop in Eastbourne) it sells super stuff cheap. I bought the Letter to Brechnev DVD for £4.99 I'm looking forward to a slice of Margi Clarke and God knows there's enough to go round.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside, I do like to be beside the sea. This weekend was a real tonic. The hard egg of winter broke it's shell and out plopped the yolk of a sun onto a bright blue Eastbourne sky. The temperate climate gave me such a glow I wish I could bottle it.

Back here in South Buckinghamshire it's like Buncefield all over again. There is nothing but gloom, doom and traffic and I want out.

OK the BBC can have a pat on the back for "Thin Ice" - it is magic. The ladyfriend and I laughed like drains when we watched the first episode. I think it's on Tuesdays, you must give it a go.
Talking of Ice and Magic, I used to love Ice magic chocolate sauce. You poured it onto ice cream and it would set like concrete. I remember buying it in the Wavey Line with a nice block of vanilla ice cream. Ofcourse it has gone from the shelves now, I think I heard it had asbestos in or something a bit icky. Product recall and all that.
I like product recall adverts in the paper. I always wonder what on earth could have gone wrong or what accident they were the design of. Children maimed by rasberry jam. One doesn't want to risk litigation but I've seen a fair few from Asda in my time.

The Ladyfriend is a Great Aunt! Angela had the wee baby Oliver on Saturday and we now have an excuse to buy Subbuteo players, scalectrix and go on trips to the Natural History Muesum and look at the Dinosaurs....some time yet ofcourse, but it doesn't hurt to prepare.

To celebrate, the Ladyfriend and I went to the Royal Standard of England for dinner last night. It was fab, it's the oldest inn in England (but don't they all say that?)It's riddled with woodworm and ghosts and I love it. We had the lamb.

When we got home we stank of smoke. Not the ciggy stuff but the chimney stuff!

I've been a bit slack with my updates lately. I've had lots of pressing matters what with the looming redundancy. I'm taking stock and all that and wondering which direction to take my life in. I've toyed with escaping to the far east but decided Norfolk wasn't all that interesting, not to mention flat.

I'm taking the Ladyfriend off to Italy for a treat, which will be nice. I'll bring back a nice slab of parmigiano in my Samsonite and a few jars of sundried this and that. But other than that I have no great plans.

The Ladyfriend and I are both on tent hooks waiting for the baby to arrive. Angela, The Ladyfriend's niece, is heavy with child. She normally weighs as much as the Christmas Edition of the Radio Times and is feeling the strain of an overdue baby. We can only circle like sharks waiting to swoop with teddies, cigars and "coochy coos."

Had luncheon today in Kentucky Fried Chicken. Young Matthew Z is leaving us and to celebrate we got our chops around Colonel Sanders. Whilst there I had a blast with the past. Julie of Julie and Norman was there with her young children! I worked with Julie in McDonalds in my youth. Aaah, those lost months flipping burgers were perhaps not the happiest of my life but they were exceptional fun.
On our way there I had a bit of de ja vu, I wonder if that was the fates blurring the edges of my past with that of my future - Matthew leaving it, bumping into Julie - weird. Perhaps not.

I've been gripped watching the Winter Olympics, especially that poor Chinese bird falling flat on her, well, you know in the ice skating. I was saying to the Ladyfriend how refreshing it is to have something on the telly that doesn't involve celebrities prancing about, house renovation or the contents of fat people's stools. Infact, I was waiting for a number to flash up on the screen with "Which couple would you like to see win the Gold Medal? Ring this premium rate number NOW"

I have news, I am not to be left on the shelf afterall! I can raid my bottom drawer, I am to marry! I won't be living over the brush for much longer. The ladyfriend's got whiff of my redundancy package and she's not letting go.

I did not mean for the last post to sound so down in the dumps. I'm not in the slightest. It was my intention to end it on a high note but I was being hurried along by a pal at work so I had to press "send". I am jolly buoyant about the whole affair.

On Friday I had a whale of a time with the ladies at the races, the dog races that is. It was Rachel's birthday (top) and Kelly Young (left) Lofty (open mothed) the Ladyfriend (blue scarf) and me (special needs hat) lived it up down the track. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotion as the patter of tiny feet kicked sand in our faces and lined our pockets. We inted to do the Bingo next.

Had a eureka moment in the bath this morning. A couple of weeks ago I made the mistake of saying out loud that I was "Happy". The Ladyfriend said "now you've gone and done it" And she was right. I am now feeling the cold blade of redundancy about my throat.

It's not a terrible thing, there a far nastier states to find yourself in. But I have realised that life is not about striving to find happiness because it's not something that you can keep. Happiness is like cupped hands of seawater which dribbles between your fingers until it is gone. No, strive to find unhappiness and you'll be laughing till the day you die.

Ooooh what a bitch. I've never warmed to the fat tongued lisping cow and I'm very rarely wrong. Look what's she's written here. May she never work in daytime tv again. Mind you, what does she actually do? I've only ever caught rare appearances with her surrounded by the debris of people's homes. Oh well, she's in for the high jump now, think Donna Summer and double it.

Walked by the office where once a picture of the Queen adorned the tea room, it's been changed to one of those peculiar shots of a city skyline, possibly American, at night with offices lit up. What kind of impression is that supposed to make? What kind of spirit is that supposed to stir as a worker stirs his sugar? Pride? Adoration? I don't think so. Shame on them.

I see no one has splashed out on a Figaro for me. Do you think I was too grabby?

I don't want much. I shun the latest mobile phones, fashionable nic nacs, widescreen tvs, Ipods, games consules, computers etc, I see them for the Devil's trinkets that they are. I lust after nothing, my happiness does not hang on material things......except.....The Nissan Figaro. I WANT ONE. I don't mind which colour or shade, I just want one. When one drives by I stare slack jawed, I feel like Mr Toad when he sees the motor car which has upset his lovely yellow cart, "poop poop."
Modern cars are usually the designs of the retarded but the Figaro, it's something amazing. Now, who knows who reads Lola? Perhaps a rich old lady who lives alone, childless in a mansion is reading this. Perhaps she tunes in every day and her only source of joy is my modest little life. If this is you, get in touch, buy me a figaro and I'll take you for a spin when you like. I can drive you down to the coast of a Sunday. Perhaps we could dip in and out of London town, you could revisit the places you went to during the Blitz. You can tick the box for no publicity!

I've picked my bush. On my way to work I like to track the seasonal shift. I watched over the weeks as a tree blazed with fire during the autumn months and then let go of its leaves like a pensioner's shopping. Tins of carnation milk rolling into the gutter and a copy of the News of the World whisking away on a stiff breaze.

Anyway, this morning I saw a bush, just hard naked sticks with tight buds at the end of the sharp points. "That's it" I thought to myself, "I'm having that". Each day as I pass by I shall look at it and watch as nature works its miracle. In a few months time it will be lush and lovely, home to insects and the occasional empty coke can.

I ask you all to pick your bushes, trees or shrub and lets all have a gawp as mother nature dons her beret and smock and sets to with her paint brush and palette.

I've been having rather a lot of peculiar flash backs. I've just glanced at the contents of Lofty's bag which contain clothes and I have remembered taking my costume in for the Christmas school play in the 1970's. What's that all about? One day I am sure they will be able to link brain waves to a machine which will then be able to play out your memories on a tv. That would be nice....I suppose, as long as your childhood was as happy and carefree as mine.
One technological leap I can not wait for (and I don't mind if someone pinches the idea) is a web cam/hologram thing where you can sit at home and at the click of a button you can be sitting at home with friends who are far flung around the globe. You can have a perfectly nice dinner party with your friends, chatting to them etc but really they are just holograms, a bit like Princes Leia in Star Wars when she leaps out of R2D2 ("help me Obi Wan") only better. Imagine, it will be a boon to the agorophobic.

Waking up in the morning to the sound of birdsong, we are over the hump of winter. Although it is still dark and gloomy and Vitamin D is a precious commodity I know that it wont be long before the bulbs will be poking up through the cat poo in the garden, costumes will be made for Jack in the greening (I'm planning Mr Tumnus this year), winter clothes will be packed up and lop sided Victoria Sponge Cakes will sit on trestle tables once again.
Winter isn't the winter you get on calendars with crisp snow and frosted branches, it's dull and turgid and dirty. There are no snow bunnies lollopping around my way. Bring on spring, I've had enough of cinammon scented candles to last me a lifetime.

I've been engrossed in this http://ditchmonkey.blogspot.com It's the diary of a nice man living in the woods in Oxford. I'm getting myself ready for my outdoorsy holiday in the Yurt in Cornwall. Two weeks living rufty tufty, fabulous. I am going to take my map of the stars and hopefully find some proper darkness in which to observe the heavens. We do live such pampered lives these days, ignoring the wilderness at our peril. As Morrissey once said "nature is a language can't you read?".

Went to Basingstoke last night to see Eddi Reader - cor it was good. I won't harp on because I always do but I can safely say it was blinding. Anyway, Basingstoke....

The Ladyfriend and I thought we might catch a bite to eat before the show. We walked out of the car park into the shopping mall from hell. It was like a huge maze of high street chain stores. We went in one direction after another and all we could find were shops, all we could hear were the squeak of our shoes on the floor tiles and all we could smell was air conditioned Basingstoke air.

We found an exit which spewed us out into a back alley, two hooded skateboarding happy slappers eyed us with enthusiasm so we nipped back into the Mall of terror. We decided to try and find our way back to the Anvil theatre in the hope of sniffing out some kind of food. The lights were low, infact off. They were having trouble with their electric. We could make out shapes of puzzled staff standing by the tea urn not quite knowing what to do as a crowd of fans began to form in the foyer. We foamed at the mouth as we saw the biscuits and maltesers. We were eventually let in and scoffed down a rather nice sandwhich and a packet of glacier mints but it wasn't the kind of theatreland the ladyfriend and I have grown used to.

I think someone has died. I have been walking by an office block since the summer and always have a butchers through the window. The way the blinds are set allow me to cast an eye into their tea room. Above the sink there has been a picture of the Queen. It shows her in a formal pose and some several years younger. It has been bleached by the sun and quite old. I used to imagine the workers saluting her majesty as they dunked their hob knobs. But now it's gone.

Quite sad really. I reckon the owner of the picture has passed over or retired. The rest of the office have probably been waiting for years for the old bugger to go so they could chuck Elizabeth in a bin bag. I bet as I write this they are mincing around IKEA for a replacement, something modern and garish. Bolsheviks.

Lofty and I have started a turf war. We feed the ducks at lunchtime and today we noticed that there were only a few when normally there are around forty of the little quackers. We like our ducks and the ducks like us.

I was a bit concerned that a Pied Piper had tricked them into the back of his van and they were half way across Eastern Europe to appear in a circus dressed as ballerinas smoking cigars.

We walked along the river a bit more and thought we might see them at the bridge. We did. We also saw an old man with a huge bag of bread. He looked at us and we looked at him. We all knew what we were all thinking. He won today's showdown but there will be other days and other loaves of bread AND we've got time on our side.

A bit put out this morning on my walk to work. What with it being January and thoughts turning to weight loss and all, I found my route peppered with other people. There was a woman infront of me which meant that I had to alter my speed inline with her. I didn't want to dawdle, but I also didn't want to mount a takeover bid, I could have got into a right pickle and ended up raspy. Also, a youngster was walking the whole route on the other side of the road. Now, this wouldn't be a problem to others but it was to me. I usually sing on the way to work, quite loudly. It cheers me up and puts me in a positive frame of mind for the day. I don't always know the words....infact I sometimes make them up....and I don't always know the tune....I very often make that up. So how could I carry on with an audience? I'm afraid my singing is very much from the same school as Elizabeth Fraser from the Cocteau Twins - very effective when I go under the underpass. I was snuffed out today, like a wet Swan Vesta.

I've had it pointed out to me that by mentioning the smell of care homes yesterday readers may jump to the conclusion that Lola has had a flirtation with mental illness. I have NOT been in care, let me state that now. I was referring to the many evenings in the nursing quarters of one of these establishments.

By the way Shelley, if you are reading this, do you know what's happened to Michael? And guess what? The ladyfriend and I are booking two weeks in a Yurt down your neck of the woods. Put something fizzy in the fridge for July!

Woke at five this morning and tossed and turned etc but could not return to sleep. I tried to count from 100 backwards which is supposed to induce sleep. It didn't but oddly I did start to recall moments in my life which I had long sinced not entirely forgotten about but had left behind. Thinking about it now it was probably because I was counting in the early nineties. So simplistic is my mind it obviously played word association. Events from the 90/91 period featured heavily. It was quite a busy time for me, people came in and out of my life like fluttering moths to a flame, burning their wings on my bombastic nature.

Smells of rented accommodation in Slough, Care homes, a flat above a fish and chip shop and the Fridge night club in Brixton came to me this morning. It all sounds very Andy Warhol but it wasn't quite that bad although there were a fair few peculiar individuals. I wonder where they all are now? Some have slipped along the conveyor belt and out of my sordid little life unnoticed and some have been ejected from my airspace by force. I may google some names to see what pops up. It makes me wonder, wouldn't it be nice to know that when we say goodbye to someone that it will be the last time we will see them? You can make sure that you've got that book back.

Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,
and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.

No - not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping.

I'm having a rather smashing Christmas. I've managed to consume enough calories to enable a cross channel swim, drank so much champagne my internal organs are floating in fizz and strangely, ignited a passion for jigsaws.

Fed up with the snow thing. We have not got an inch of the stuff. Everywhere else is covered in a blanket but we have escaped it. Honestly, there's more white powder on Kate Moss's toilet seat then there is in our garden. When I grow up I'm moving from this area of moribund weather. Scotland, Cornwall or the Lake District. If weather was music we get the stuff that is played in lifts.

Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it. And Scrooge's name was good upon 'Change, for anything he chose to put his hand to. Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail.....

I will go about my business during the next two days very carefully, I shall not ignore the carol singers' tin or collect debts from poor old ladies. I shall not scrimp on my gifts or turn the thermostat down when I get home. I don't want to be wake up to a strange apiration in the middle of the night.....

But I will just say one thing nasty - that Kate Melua is dreadful. Have you heard her? The juvenile lyrics, the god awful singing - she sounds like she should have had her adenoids out.

Last night she was on tv singing the Fairytale of New York with the Pogues which was quite a shocker. I loved Kirsty Maccoll so she was on shakey ground to begin with but my word it was god awful. Her limitations were laid bare like a dropped bag of rice on the kitchen floor, her flaws spilled out all over prime time tv and I hid behind my cushion. There, that's enough. Merry Christmas to all Lola readers!

I feel like a pickled onion ready to burst out of a jar and onto a Boxing day buffet. Like a shiny sixpence in a pudding, waiting to break an old ladies last remaining good tooth. I feel like a complicated puzzle nestling between a paper hat and the snap in a cracker. I feel like a sugar lump ready to be left by the fire for Blitzen. I'm very excited.

I know in a few days when I have eaten and drunk too much I will feel a bit like that cheap flimsy card that someone has sent you that you thought liked you a bit more. Or like the back end of a pantomime cow and look like the kid in the school nativity who came from the nasty housing estate who's costume didn't look any good.

Never the less, I am very excited and ready and waiting for Christmas to begin!

Four sleeps until the big day! Went to Tesco during lunchtime and my goodness the shelves are groaning under the weight of indulgence. I got shuvved in the arse by a trolley, I don't think I was in the wrong but one can never be too sure.

Schools are off now and don't we know it. The roads are flowing freely as if someone has taken their foot off of the hosepipe. Infact, as I walked to work all I could see were 4x4's parked badly in driveways. No school run for the yummy mummies this week!

It didn't make a lot of difference on the car fumes though. My walk to work is chocka with pollution. I may have the pins of Zola Budd but I've the lungs of a coal miner.

I am a lucky ducky. Last night the Ladyfriend took me out for my birthday treat (she was sadly under the weather last week and a night of celebration was kicked to the kerb and Lemsip replaced the Champers).

I was whizzed off to Windsor for ice-skating in the park. It was bloody freezing and although I have a keen sense of adventure I decided to forego a night on the ice. It did look very inviting though with the castle floodlit behind the rink.

We scooted off to Browns for tea instead and my word what a treat. It's been a long while since I have tasted such gorgeous nosh. I sank my teeth into a lamb's rump and wouldn't let go for dear life! I was spoilt thoroughly and had to be rolled out of Browns like Violet Beauregarde.

Wrapping presents and a bottle of Cava don't mix I'm telling ya. Yesterday the Ladyfriend suggested we get a bottle out of the fridge which she had won in a raffle. I frowned as it was not even four o'clock in the afternoon but I could see she was fraught and well it is Christmas and all.

It all went fine at first, I invented the "Plate of Tape". We do not own a tape dispenser and every year I get fed up with stopping to cut a bit of sellotape whilst holding down the paper and present with my left foot. This year I turned over a plate and sat and cut about ten pieces of sellotape and stuck them to it. It was my intention to pick off a bit of tape as I went along, dashing through the wrapping like a hot knife through butter.

It was a roaring success. Until the Cava kicked in. Then merry hell began. The Ladyfriend took over and started to cut tape for the "Plate of Tape" she wasn't cutting it on the bias and so the tape stuck flat to the plate. She fell behind with the replenishment and was getting all nasty with it, scoffing at my baggy ends and generally carrying on. I told her not to criticise the "Plate of Tape" as it was my invention and far better than what we have ever done in years before.

I wont need the plate of tape when I do her presents because she aint getting any now! I'm going to give them to the workhouse.

Sometime this week some University published a mathematical formula for wrapping Christmas present YxZ=X etc. All very useful I am sure but of no help to me, I am afraid I come from the last minute school of wrapping. I cut corners, rip tape with my teeth and slash the paper as though it were cut with a chainsaw. Any matching of pattern is by accident than design and tags are hastily attached and written with a flourish.

What I'd REALLY like to know the formula for is getting tree decorations to hang the right way round. Last night I was getting into a right old state as my little drummer boys span around to face the wall and not the audience. This morning I sat down to breakfast to the sight of a polar bear's arse in my face where I should have seen his cheery face and marvelled at his jaunty scarf. Hopeless. What goods a little fairy if all we can see is the back of her tutu?

Good grief it's hot. I'm sitting in the office and I feel like an extra from Tenko. Someone has been messing with the evil air conditioning and we're sitting in a micro-climate stuffed to the gills with foul odours.

Grabbed the Christmas Tree from B&Q last night. Couldn't be bothered with shopping around, time is money etc. It's now or never and so on. Grabbed a 6 footer and bundled it into the back of the car. Nearly had an accident backing out of the car park, I couldn't bloody see a thing and why walk out infront of a reversing car anyway?

The tree is now propped up in the garden wrapped in netting all kinky like. I shall haul it inside tonight and let it out of its bondage. I daresay it will be full of mice (we have a little colony in the garden) The birds rely on me for food, the mice rely on the birds to miss a bit, the cats rely on the mice to take chances and so the beauty of life goes on. So the house will be filled with the heady scent of pine and rodent piss for the next three weeks - happy holidays indeed!

Trotted off to the post office with my brown paper parcels at lunch time and was that a joy. It is only a small PO at the back of one of those "pile it high and sell it rather expensive" convenience shops but my goodness, the queue snaked back into the tins of mulligatawny soup!

There was a peculiar lady monopolising the counter (there was only one man on) completely oblivious to the grumbling masses behind her. We all stood praying she would bugger off. By the time she did wheel herself away there wasn't an ounce of Christmas spirit amongst any of us. I decided to skip buying my stamps and just send off my packages which are late as it is. I didn't want to cause any more trouble in the queue.

Off to find a Christmas tree tonight, it's a bit early but it's the only chance we've got until late next week when there will be nothing left or worth having. Wish me luck as I tackle the Nordic Spruce selection.

What a weekend. The Ladyfriend and I went off to Bath which was absolutely jam packed with shoppers. It took us over an hour to find a parking space. We went round and round until I felt icky sick. (I was hung over from the offic Christmas party where I must admit I was werry, werry drunk)When we were finally slotted in in the multi-story we found our lodgings for the night. It was in the "party end" of town and the website had warned that we may hear some disturbance in the evening due to the road outside. We weren't too worried.

We then went out for a light lunch (an organic burger from the Christmas Market, It needed a few additives, it tasted un-remarkable but filled a gap) my fingers retained the odour of onions all afternoon.

In the evening we popped out for dinner. It took us nearly an hour to find somewhere that would have us. We liked the look of a Thai gaff but were met with a nasty glare from the hostess as we tried to get through the steamed up door. I always thought the Thais were supposed to be a friendly race.

We managed to get in an Indian that looked more like a Wimpy over the bridge. It was alright.

Got back to the Hotel at ten as we were a bit wan. We entered the room to here a god awful din from the Slug and Lettuce pub/club below. It sounded like the speakers were in the room. The Tea and Coffee making facilities were rattling on the dressing table, the pictures were bouncing off the walls. Bath, the beautiful Spa town in Avon ? It was more like bloody Faliraki!

We sat watching Match of the Day - you couldn't sleep - praying the club didn't have a late license. Thankfully it tapered off at midnight. At half six the cleaners turned up and it wasn't light dusting. I lay awake listening to chairs being stacked and tables dragged across the dance floor.

It's my birthday today and I feel my age. I am at work sitting under the fall-out from the oil explosion on Sunday. I daren't go out because of the fall-out. I feel like a Raymond Briggs cartoon.

I've let my plates slip. I've been spinning too much and Life For Lola has suffered teribly. Work has loomed large in chez Lola and if it aint one thing it's the other.
I see a hefty bit of legislation has come through and Elton is to marry that fella in December. Hoorah for that. They are getting married at the same place as my favourite toff Prince Charles. I've always thought Reginald Dwight had a certain royal air about it.
The Ladyfriend may have to change her name too. I think she may have to become The Fiance but I can't find that funny slant over the E. French words make me sick. We shall keep her The Ladyfriend.
Talking of the old girl, we are off to Bath this weekend. We are going for a Christmas knees up in the pump room. I can't wait. There is a Christmas market which we intend to trot round. I dare say that we will end up buying some over priced nonsense from a shed festooned with lights. Those markets are all well and good but as soon as you show interest you end up being lured in and parting with large sums of cash. I bought some cheese from a Farmers Market once that blew a weeks housekeeping in one shot.

Out to din dins last night with Miss Diane. Oooh I did eat a lot. I am sitting here like a pate de fois gras duck. It's nil by mouth for me this weekend.

Miss Diane was telling us about the Cancun hurricane. She was trapped in the eye of the storm and suffered terribly. It sounded awful, I wouldn't have been able to cope, I would have been hysterical and have easily have gone to pieces. I would have been clapping my ruby slippers together faster than you can say "there's no place like home...." I'm not good in a crisis.

I've been on a midwinter break, I've had three days of holiday, holiday, holiday rock down at the Eastbourne bolthole. It was very nice and very productive. The ladyfriend and I now have 60% of our Christmas shopping. We are very pleased with ourselves. We have been trotting around the high streets of Sussex with wind on our heels carrying packages tied up with string, turkeys slung over our shoulders and bags of nuts in our handbags. It's been an excellent beginning to our seasonal splurge at the checkout.