Howzatt!

Last day at work. Two weeks off. Oh how sweet this day doth be. Oh and the cricket is starting today! I am into cricket at the moment. Last year it was the World Cup and this year my attentions are squarely set on our boys in white, next year it will probably be dressage.

I'm not entirely offay with the rules though, but it doesn't impare my enjoyment of the game, not one bit. The only thing that upsets me about the tv coverage is that you don't get that lovely theme tune you got on the BBC but I shall just have to live with that kind of progress afterall Cricket is the new black.

Don't mess with Mr In between

Woke up this morning - late again, polished off the last drop of Merlot - and had the theme tune to Midsommer Murders going in my head. I do like the programme. The ladyfriend and I are quite fanatical about it in fact. It amazes me that there are so many episodes.

Got to use new shampoo today! I love opening new bottles and this is a brand I have never tried before so I am quite cock-a-hoop. I am waiting to see if what it says on the packaging will bear any fruit. They do make some outlandish claims these days and we are willingly taken in.

Whilst in Brighton at the weekend a man had a stall in the North Laines selling "Milk Thistle" for the liver and all kinds of potions and lotions it is almost as if we have taken a step back to the days of those American sideshow medicine sellers that used to roll into town - well Little House on the Prarie land anyway. I call for a clamp down.

Talking of hair, I always think of Brian Cant when I dry my hair with a towell as I remember him saying once that is a very dangerous thing to do, but I can't remember when, but it has stayed with me to this day.

Sleigh bells ring

Last night after a couple of glasses of white wine and two generous tumblers of Baileys conversation led to Christmas and I am in a festive frenzy as a result. I even managed - in a drink fuelled stupor - to dig out a December edition of Good Housekeeping (complete with Nigella on the front - a bit silly when the woman is obviously Jewish). It enthused about forward thinking when planning a yuletide meal - I think the ladies at GH will be proud of me. I am going to buy a turkey today!

Just been looking at the local paper and two young girls who have obviously been born on the wrong side of the tracks, if you get my drift, called Chelsi and Coral-Lee are pictured. Were their parents (probably parent.....I think we are talking singular here) taking the piss? What is it with the ridiculous names families give their children for crying out loud? I can't see Coral Lee making it out of the mire of income support. As for Chelsi, well, surely inspiration must have come from some mucky film star.
Really, I can just hear some obese, chain smoking mother dressed in a vest and leggings screaming out "Coral-Lee!!!!!" at the top of her lard coated voice. I bet she thinks, as she fences another stolen DVD player, that her daughters name is special.

All I need is moonlight, music and you

Had a fantastic weekend full of aeroplanes, sofa's, sunshine, brighton, hastings and prawns! Ooh, it was wonderful and I have the photographs to prove it Click here if you don't believe me.

Just four more days and counting till I jump this leaky ship of toil and head off for two weeks of holiday. Hoobloodyray. Talking of the peculiar - I woke up early on saturday and saw the Boobahs - what the hell is that all about?

Hit that perfect beat boy

Tonight the Ladyfriend and I are leaving for the coast for the weekend! We are expecting a delivery of a verynice sofa from Cargo. Apparently it is their most popular sofa ever, well so the bird told me in the tight fitting t-shirt in the shop anyway - big busted but she knew her product.

Great news today, my goodlooking brother called and for my birthday treat he is going to take me to see Echo and the Bunnymen doing their 25 year anniversary concert in November. Oh lucky me, to have such a good looking brother I say.

By the way, I've slipped down a gear into a kind of eighties fug, I have become very political and rejecting of popular music, hey, guess what? Letter to Breshnev has been released on DVD....Lola wants, Lola wants!

Eat coal

I am continually fed up with the scary looking women on breakfast tv, I've no truck with the national team, oh no, that well turned out Nijinsky woman is a breath of fresh air in the morning, it's those trashy old slags on the local London news. I suppose living in the metropolis they think they can just roll into the studio at dawn after spending a night in one of these discotheques - no doubt snorting cocaine (the drug of choice I hear for staff of the BBC) Just look at this When I started my career as a copy typist I kept a sharp pencil and my hair up at all times, my finger nails were cleaner than a nuns duvet, those girls at the bbc could learn a thing or two about presentation I can tell you. Why, I was more familiar with the map of the world than my own body at their age.

Also on the programme there was a report about single parents and how they can't feed their children and how they could do with some more money please - well you know my thoughts on the matter, but the lady in the film had a very nice kitchen thankyou, with a lovely bread bin. Get that in a carboot Ms and you could feed your nippers for a week!

OK!

I am sick and tired of all these sad Z list celebrity scams Read this I give it two months after the money dries up. I am also sick of the likes of Ben Affleck and his squinty faced bride to be - who believes this stuff anyway? The man is clearly homosexual. It amazes me the lengths these 'stars' go to. It is indeed an evil industry and the devil sells the tickets.
I don't suppose it was any better in the days of Lillie Langtry. She ended up with the hand of the Prince of Wales up her crinoline. The things that poor cow did for theatre, she even ran about with the 3 am girls of her day - Oscar and Bosie.
The world is full of liars, cheats and confidence tricksters. My advice to you all is to keep your shoes clean and your passwords to yourselves.

Beside the seaside

Had a marvellous weekend, so flaming hot though! Got caught up in a hellish traffic jam on the M25 on friday afternoon for four hours. The ladyfriend and I looked like extras from Tenko when we eventually crawled into Eastbourne.

Saturday we went to Brighton Pride, Click here for picture Unfortunately we missed the parade by a sequin and trudged along behind it, feathers and flowers lined the road of dissappointment to Preston Park.

Once there it was like satan's back garden (some would say fittingly) it was so hot, we had to take shade and it did spoil our enjoyment. We left after a couple of hours and went for two lovely big Gin and Tonics in the Brighton tavern.

Sunday, the ladyfriend and I nursed our hangovers on the beach, we even took a dip, it was wonderful until I read a piece in the Times about great white sharks.

Taste sensation

Last night the Ladyfriend and I had one of those Thai Dinner take-a-way bags from Tesco, it was very, very nice......trouble is, I couldn't help wondering if the chicken I was chomping was one of those water filled, steroid pumped breasts from Holland. Read the bit about curry Not pleasant.

The sky was alive with stars last night, I was waggling my telescope around in the back garden but couldn't see a bloody thing. I don't understand telescopes, you can see more with the naked eye.

This weekend my handsome big brother is coming down to Eastbourne to tamper with the electrics in the kitchen, it looks like Sarajevo at the moment, but I am sure, with his supervision it will be transformed into something wonderful. It's quite an uphill struggle but it's men like Brunel and my big brother that this country could do with a few more of.

has the Perrier gone straight to my head

Today is supposed to hit 100 - I don't think it will. Infact it's quite surprising that I didn't wake up and the world was on fire after the gay bishop in America scandal. Fantastic news, what a brave man. Atlast an openly gay bishop - makes a change doesn't it? Perhaps now Dr Rowan Williams and the church in this country might not be so cowardly and get with the modern world. Make gay marriages legal - think bums on seats! We know how to spend money, the gay community should be embraced by the church, you want your bell tower fixed? - what colour do you want it?

Sod them, let them stick their cash raising thermometers where the sun don't shine.

As the flames rose to her roman nose

As it's a little too 'ott to mention and my hands are already slipping on my mouse I shall today just recommend some links for you to look at instead........Viking Kittens and also People say I look like and lastly Farting Nun

Win yourself a cheap tray

The ladyfriend and I have entered a new exciting age - we have bought a DVD player - there will be no stopping us now. We have even shelled out for a scart lead.

Went walking on Beachy Head yesterday and looked down at the med-like coast below, it was truly heart warming and soul lifting which leads me to wonder why a poor devil topped themselves on such a beautiful day. It was quite a perverse situation. The police and the coastguards were scrambled and the ladyfriend and I watched as a policeman stood holding a plastic carrier bag which belonged to the deceased. Tourists took photographs, people peered over the edge, it was quite, quite tragic.

We moved along and went back to the flat to watch the cricket.

It's so easy to hate, It takes strength to be gentle and kind

Opened the Daily Mail this morning to be slapped in the face by the pope - all this and I wasn't fully clothed.

Apparently the Ladyfriend and I (and come to think of it a large percentage of catholic priests) are evil. Geriatric twat - atleast I have control of my bladder, something I suspect he has lost along with his marbles.