It's all rather vulgar to talk about house prices - not to mention boring (think Abigail's Party) - but let us just say that there will be more than a satsuma stuffed in the Ladyfriend's stocking this Christmas! Monty Carlo here we come (he's the head chef at the local italian restaurant)
On to other amazing events. My brother Matthew and his good lady Emma are expecting twins! I heard the news in Waterstones the book sellers and had to keep my joy down to a modicum. Just like a library the books demand that we speak in hushed tones so as not to scare the timid. I am over the moon, twins fascinate me. I often can be heard shrieking 'twins!' in shopping centres, a modern miracle.

Thankfully I am now walking around the outskirts of the market of ill health, I am stepping around the gone off fruit and the man who washes the bonnett of a pretend car with a miracle cleaning fluid. I can still hear the cries of a 'paand of apples a paaad' coming from the centre stalls but it is growing ever distant.
It is a beautiful day here in Eastbourne, we have the first of our three estate agents coming this afternoon to view the flat. We are thinking happy thoughts but the ladyfriend and I don't like salesmen and we can see things turning nasty. They might be different down here, less spivvy, we shall see.
The place is as shiny as a new pin but we have a garage that needs emptying, it's a horrifying prospecet. For the last four years we have dumped an old kitchen, bags of rubbish, cardboard, tiles, brushes in jars of white spirit and white goods. I'm not looking forward to it, I may have to play the invalid card.

I am like SOoooo ill innit? I've had white lumps on that back on my throat the size of sugar cubes only they aint sweet. And the dreams! I've been to worlds that have only been seen by Victorian Gentlemen in Opium dens - a high kicking goat dance troupe was last nights tableux. It was quite something to see their arms linked and their little feet hot hoofing.
I am recovering on the south coast this week, the ladyfriend shall have to push me along the prom with a blanket over my legs as I suck on licorice allsorts and eye the rumbabas.

WELL! Today is a bit of a day for me. I've started a new job. It's nice as the girl who has left has left all of her nice stationery. I love pens and pencils.
It's a time of new beginnings and starts. On Friday the Ladyfriend and I went to Chigwell for the first time. I've seen it on the telly and I've seen it on the map but have never ventured there. So, it was up the North Circular for us in the motor. I must say that I did grip the wheel in terror as the Ladyfriend screamed "right, right lane" etc as we made our way into the depths of Essex.
We were going there to spend the night with Tim and Mark who treated us to a chinese banquet and a fantastic evening. I was amazed as you could see central London enroute to the Chinky yet the surroundings of Chigwell are quite rural, you can see the Gherkin lit up like a Christmas tree.
We stayed the night with the chaps and on Saturday we took the M25 to Eastbourne. THIS WAS AMAZING. I have never driven this stretch from Chigwell to Junction 6 and on the way we had to cross a huge toll bridge down by the docks. My jaw dropped as we pottered over. It was fabulous and only a £1.00! I wanted to turn around and go over it twice.

There be monsters

I have just seen the report that fishermen from New Zealand have landed a Colossal Squid! It's 33ft long! From what I know about giant creatures of the deep the fishermen were lucky to escape with their lives.
I expect it came to the surface due to overfishing and the lack of lunch on the sea bed. Will giant octopuses float upwards and drag down a lilo next? What perils await us? Will crossing the channel for a bit of cheese and cheap plonk result in adventures straight from the pages of Jules Verne. Will it be safe to play coits?

It's all got a bit 80's hasn't it? Statues being unveilled of Margaret Thatcher, city fat cats, inflated bonuses, ipods/walkmans, Falklands/Iraq, government sleaze/ government sleaze, hospitals closing/hospitals merging, kids shooting up on housing estates/kids shooting each other on housing estates. Here comes boom and bust around the corner. Already the rate of repossesions are on the rise, there are redundancies left right and centre, greed for flat screens, fast cars and Bangkok instead of Benidorm, racking up the credit card, fur coats and no knickers. It'll all end in tears whilst a demob happy Prime Minister sticks two fingers up to us all.

Fear and greed could have bull on the run: European investment bank Dresdner Kleinwort says that, according to its Fear and Greed Index, the end is nigh for the bull market and we're in for a worldwide economic slump.

Well, the Eddi Reader concert didn't go quite as according to plan. We were caught in gridlocked traffic in Shepherds Bush, the sound was a bit crap on the level we were on, we sat next to a couple of chatty Kathys, a gentleman in front of us kept getting up and down to buy drinks, the ladyfriend had to leave to get some air because the Victorian style seating arrangements gave her the vapours and she didn't sing my favourite song. Still, you can't have it all ways. The Ladyfriend has suggested that we stick to the provincial theatres from now on and I think she could be right. Actually, she has decided that she has seen enough of Ms Reader, she did this to me with Clare Teal too, she's got a small boredom threshold. I shall have to trawl the small ads for a 'friend' to go with. There were plenty of people on their own and I'm sure they wouldn't mind me tagging along.

Guess the Word

We have snow! And lots of it and it's beautiful. I know it's a bit pikey but I must tell you that we still have the Christmas tree flung out in the back garden (well, we have been busy) and to see it laden with snow this morning nearly brought a tear to the eye.
Because of the gridlock and traffic chaos (I blame the Labour government) I have had to work in an office closer to home. I am sat on another computer and it is quite refreshing to use internet explorer and have to fill in a whole web address, I do hate the way a web browser remembers stuff, it's a bit like a prying neighbour twitching the net curtains.
Here is the Eddi Reader link of the day by the way

Angels and Electricity

It's Eddi Reader week on Lola, the Ladyfriend and I are off to see her on Saturday (an ideal opportunity for any stalkers out there to wrap me up in a roll of carpet) and I am very excited.
I've just got the new album and it's blinding. Well, at first I didn't think so. I put it on in the kitchen as soon as it arrived in the post (does anyone buy anything from a shop any more?) popped it on and found it a bit dreary. Mind you, it was having to compete with the washing machine on it's final spin, the Ladyfriend shouting out potential hotels in Lake Garda and a woman of advanced years AND dementia asking when the dinner was going to be ready.....EVERY five minutes.
Since then I have been listening to it on my mobile phone and it's very, very good. So, to start Eddi Reader week here is your first link: click here

Is it just me?

Neil and Sue were on tv last night, they were on Yuppie TV's flagship programme Relocation Relocation. They needed a smack. They had owned a management training business - which is a contradiction in terms for anyone who has ever been managed by anyone who has ever had management training - and were looking to buy half of Devon and a 'bolthole' in Brighton. I didn't like them. They summed up everything that was bad about the last ten years of New Labour, that of greed and straight men going all effeminate. It's littered with people like Sue and Neil making money 'consulting' whilst wages stay low and profits soar. Oooh, I know I sound bitter but I am.

Their budget is £550,000, plus £200,000 for renovation work. Meanwhile, they also want a one-bedroom crash pad in Brighton so Sue can see her daughter and grandson regularly, with a budget of £200,000.

They've made all that lolly out of making civil servants dress up in khaki and make rope bridges in the New Forest. Bastards.

I wish I knew how to quit you

Just seen the front cover of the oo ah daily star and the tabloid dog has got Jade firmly between the teeth. Great stuff, they won't let that one lie. I saw Jo rocking like a pyshco on GMTV yesterday too, it made for some very compelling viewing. The nation clunked our spoons on our Shreddies as the door to her career slammed shut.
I've just seen on the Daily Star website that Ant and Dec have bought houses next to each other. Is it me or does it all smack a bit of Brokeback Mountain. Looks like the only bush Ant sees is the Australian kind. That poor wife, still the housekeeping money is probably fantastic.

Lola is away

Today I am handing over Lola to the Ladyfriend, you thought I was bad...

The Ladyfriend on Lola having to phone to cancel a salesman's appointment:
Is it me or do these people keep making assumptions without consulting the very people they should be grovelling to. The country is full of arrogant no-bodies!! I'm going to start lobbying for a new lesson to be added to the school curriculum "Manners Matter". Our children are no longer safe in the hands of rude parents, they will have to be taught the basics by an outside body - as long as it's not gay of course! Dirty, dirty.

On the British Airways strike:
Everyone here cheered yesterday when the workers won against a big corporation too interested in fat management pay packets and share dividends to appreciate the work done by ordinary working men and women. Britain currently has a disease and it's called 'trying to be like America'! Let the immigrants do the crap jobs, let the working man be grateful he's got a job, and the rest can live off them.

Ah, good triumphs over evil, cheats never prosper and all that. How wonderful it was to watch Shilpa snatch the Celebrity Big Brother crown. There wasn't a dry eye in the house last night, what a trooper. I daresay we will be saturated with Shetty from now on but I don't mind, she deserves it. We will have Shilpa this, Shilpa that, a dance might be nice - The Shetty Shuffle. I must admit to taking a fancy to her jeans, that curved ragged hem at the bottom is inspired, I shall call it the Shilpa Shag.

I've got a nasty scrape on my knuckle. It's rather sore and it amazes me that I never felt the incident happen although I am paying for it now. It's always the smallest things that hurt the most, the paper cut, the hanging finger nail, the cracked lip.

Life has had it's ups and downs and I've had my fair share of turbulence when it comes to relationships and I remember the thing that upset me the most when I split up with the bunny boiler wasn't walking away saddled with the credit card debt, leaving without a stick of furniture and the loss of friends which had switched allegiance but that I'd forgotting to take a set of Christmas lights which I really liked. Mad isn't it? You've got to watch out for the little things.

I take a rather rural route to work and of late I have noticed a lot of road kill. This morning it was a badger, the other it was a rabbit. The thing is, they don't look right, they look happy. They have not assumed a position of distress, they are not corpses which have met a sticky end. They look at peace and some have appeared asleep, paws tucked tidily under their heads. No blood and guts. I've started to wonder if they have died elsewhere and someone is putting them next to the road to cover up something more sinister. You never know.

They've created a monster

The Ladyfriend and I have been watching Big Brother and the evil that is Jade Goody this week and have been as disgusted as everyone. I am very rarely moved by stuff on tv, I did feel the prickle of a tear when I heard John Taverner's 'Song for Athene' at Diana's funeral, I liked that bit at the millennium when the Eiffel Tower exploded with fireworks and there have been some moments in Emmerdale Farm which have been of some note but Jade's psychotic behaviour on Tuesday left me speechless.
I do love a public execution and with anyluck she will be dancing the Tyburn jig come Sunday but I do feel it was an accident waiting to happen.
We have seen it on numerous occasions with reality tv where idiots who should go no further than the check out at the chippy have been propelled into a world of 'stardom'. It's like some twisted Pygmalion and Jade aint no Audrey Hepburn.
I was thinking to myself though how different it would have been if Big Brother was around when celbrities were something special. Can you imagine Celia Johnson's clipped English accent and deportment? There would certainly have been no geordie saying "who gaws ya deside." Diana Dors would have filled Jade's shoes but you wouldn't find her letting rip and talking about intercourse.....or perhaps you would.

It's very sad but Rick Stein's dog Chalky has died. He was the best thing on the programme, afterall, there is only so much you can do with a brace of herring. I like dogs on tv, infact I would like a whole channel called DogTV, I bet there already is one on SKY.
I'm not keen on all tv dogs though, I perceived Lassie and the Blue Peter dogs as being too middle classed, the Littlest Hobo was a little bit hammy and Timmy from the Famous Five wasn't really 'front of house' when it came to the action.
The dog from the Little House on the Prarie was great, Bernie Winter's Snorbitz, Wordworth from Jamie and the Magic torch, Champion the wonder dog, Freeway from Hart to Hart, Fred Basset, Hong Kong Phooey, Mutley, Snoopy, oh the list is endless. What a good idea though, the logo could be a big paw print. I think I might suggest it.